February 26, 2022

They never did send me a satisfaction survey, like I said below that I hoped they would. They didn’t send me a bill, either, at least not yet – I heard from Tim’s health insurance company about two months after he died that there was a $200,000 bill floating around from them, and I was like, OH I DO HOPE THEY TRY TO GET THAT MONEY FROM ME BECAUSE THE FURY THAT WILL RAIN DOWN! … But so far I haven’t seen a bill.

Is that not just the saddest, creepiest elevator waiting area ever?

Just yesterday mornin’, they let me know you were gone
Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can’t remember who to send it to

Pretty much nothing happening today. Tim is still somewhat sedated, had episodes of afib and low blood pressure last night, is still restrained, and today’s nurse (Nate) agreed with me within ten seconds of meeting me that Tim is too sick to be here and should never have left ICU to begin with. Therapies don’t work on the weekends here, so Tim has nothing planned as far as PT/OT, other than what I’m going to sneak in when the nurses are looking the other way. I feel alternately hopeless that I can’t get anything done over the weekend with nobody here, and furious, that I can’t get anything done over the weekend with nobody here..

This place does NOT come as advertised on their website. Boy HOWDY do I hope they send me some sort of satisfaction survey.

This was the start of him getting hooked up to more and more things, again.

I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you again

(break for a bit)

I just had a somewhat satisfying talk with the doctor (Delgado). I say “somewhat” because he did say that he’s checking on Tim every two hours, both in reading charts and physically coming by to see him, so I am encouraged that Tim isn’t being ignored. He also says he’s called in a nephrologist and also is consulting with Infectious Disease. The lung sputum culture they took yesterday (day before?) is starting to grow some things, and the Doctor thinks it’s probably pneumonia again, although he can’t say for sure until the culture finishes growing, probably in the next 24 hours. He is very concerned about Tim’s kidney; he’s retaining the extra fluids they’re giving him, and not producing much urine. I made sure to bring up that he’d had three small strokes after the mitral valve surgery, and the clots went to the right kidney, the spleen, and the small intestine – he was nodding and saying that that would make sense with what’s going on with his kidneys, why they’re not working great. Best case, they give him a drip and that can kick-start his kidneys working; worst case, he has to go on dialysis. Moving him back to ICU is still a thing that CAN happen but unfortunately he’s holding himself juuuuuuust stable enough to not meet the requirements for moving.

Won’t you look down upon me, Jesus?
You’ve got to help me make a stand
You’ve just got to see me through another day
My body’s aching and my time is at hand
And I won’t make it any other way

Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you again

Tim is still somewhat out of it, but I did tell him that I had a plan. He opened his eyes and looked in my direction, but not directly at me. I told him my plan was to get him out of here, but I needed his help. He nodded. I said there are two ways he can get out of here; he can get worse, or he can get better. That I’ll let him choose which one, but personally, my goal was to get him the fuck out of this dismal nightmare and into a better rehab facility, and then home. He nodded. I told him that to do that, he’d have to get a lot stronger to get out of here. That he’ll have to be able to stand, walk, and swallow. He nodded, and closed his eyes again like he was going back to sleep, so I came and sat back down. Then about a minute later he started moving his arms in unison, as much as he can restrained, like he’s doing exercises with them. THAT’S MY TIM.

A few minutes later and he’s moving his legs back and forth, lifting one and rubbing the other with it, and back and forth. GO TIM GO!

ZAMBONI SIGHTING!

Been walking my mind to an easy time
My back turned towards the sun
Lord knows, when the cold wind blows
It’ll turn your head around
Well, there’s hours of time on the telephone line
To talk about things to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground

Okay, but now a side story – a friend texted me this morning. She was like, “I’m bringing you baked goods and booze, so you can either look at Joyfully Baked and tell me what you want from them and tell me what your favorite booze is, or you can take what I bring you. Either way, though, you’re getting it, I’m not taking no for an answer.” She brought me donuts, a slice of cake, a bottle of peanut butter whiskey, an airplane bottle of the same to hide in the room “for emergencies”, some freshly roasted coffee beans (that she roasted and ground herself!!!) AND a handknitted shawl — her husband had bought her the fiber, and she spun the fiber herself and knitted the shawl in her favorite pattern. It’s too dark in the room for me to get a good picture of it, so I’ll post a picture tomorrow. Y’all. Y’all, I cried. There’s so much love in every single moment of that, I can hardly even — it makes my heart so full that love leaks out of my eyeballs.

And yesterday? Y’all remember when Sharon came down about a month ago? Her husband Chris is in town for work, and we were able to get together for lunch yesterday. It was so heart-healing. Chris and Sharon are like being home. I’m so glad he was good with “I’d love to have lunch but it’ll be late and I might have to either cancel or be late at the last minute depending on what’s going on with Tim at the moment I go to leave”! We met at Mojo, since he’s working downtown, and it was a nice little respite. Also, dang, but I love their bacon cheeseburgers with Mojo sauce.

That’s about all that I have for today, plus some photos.

xoxo y’all

When I got home that night, there were cards. I wish I could remember who sent me what, and when, and who sent messages that I maybe just answered with a heart instead of saying anything. I’d like to let all of those people know… they kept me going. All my friends kept me going.

Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you, baby
One more time again, now
Thought I’d see you one more time again
There’s just a few things coming my way this time around, now
Thought I’d see you, thought I’d see you, fire and rain, now

Lyrics by James Taylor
Fire and Rain