I’ve had to start over, start fresh, so many times. In … sixteen (?) years of school, I went to three different grade schools, three different middle schools (technically I went back to the first one after six months at one in a different city – we moved a lot), two or three different high schools depending on how you count (my last year of high school was also my first year of college; dual enrollment at a combo art school/community college), then a second college for the rest of my Associate’s degree, and a third college for my Bachelor’s.
So many startings from scratch.
New schools. New cities. New friends. New jobs. New apartments or houses. Knowing a lot of the same people, thank goodness, since that last year of grade school, but still. So many instances of finding my footing, so many choices of “how much of my real self do I show here” mixed with “how much do I take the chance to leap into being someone else/someone I’ve always wanted to be but aren’t quite yet”.
Some changes were subtle. More long-term and unnoticeable in the happening – like being Tim’s wife. Some changes were abrupt, jolting me out of reality – like being Tim’s widow.
Some changes took months of planning and forethought – like opening a yarn store with two friends. Some changes needed the same amount of planning but crammed into a sudden and shorter time frame – like opening HaldeCraft when we had to close the yarn store.
Some changes were a welcome surprise, like getting a job in a science fiction and fantasy/comic shop/gaming store. Some changes were unwelcome but necessary, like quitting Barnes & Noble instead of being forced out by a manipulative boss.
Some changes come with long-term, life-long challenges, like food allergies developing in my 40s. Some changes come with love that you know will have an expiration date (but you hope is a far, far off date), like letting my rescue dog adopt a stray dog. I mean, COME ON. I hope this never ends.
Lately I haven’t even wanted to go into my beloved studio. I struggle with “I have so many things sold out that I need to restock” vs “I never have time any more to make new creative things” vs “I can’t believe there are still parts of the studio I need to clean up from the fucking rats, my god, this is never going to end, WHY IS THIS TAKING SO LONG.”
It’s taking so long because of health changes, and I can only do hard work (like moving heavy molds around) for a couple of hours before I’m wiped out. I’m also videoing everything I’m doing when I do have time for ceramic work, which means to get photos for Socials, I have to get into and screenshot the video, and I also have to edit the video – twice; once for Patreon and once for Socials.
I guess maybe it’s less “I don’t even want to be in here” and more like “being in here isn’t bringing me any joy right now.” It just makes me sad to go in there. And you might think, Lorena, billions of people have jobs that don’t bring them joy, what do you expect?! And I’d counter: are those people self-employed, doing something they love, out of their own house where they can hang out with their dogs and listen to true crime podcasts all day?
It might be time for a bit of a change, a do-over, a restart, a turning over of a new leaf, for HaldeCraft. I just ordered a handful of new sprig molds and stamps, because there are things I’ve wanted to do that I keep saying “I don’t have time to do this because I need to make ____” … when really, if I’ve already made five of _____ in different textures, and they’re not selling, why should I make more? Why don’t I spend the time making something else, something that brings me joy to work on? If the new thing doesn’t sell, well, it’s not like the other things were selling anyway, and this way at least I made something I felt like I wanted to make instead of something I felt obligated to make because “maybe I just don’t have it in the right color yet.”
A business isn’t something you can really stop, take a six month break from, and then start right back up again with the same momentum… trust me, I know that from breaking my hand and being unable to work for a few months, and from taking time off to be by Tim’s side for so long. So I’m not going to close and then reopen, rebranded… but I might not show off as much of what I’m working on as I test out some new things. Teaser photos, maybe, but not entire things. Hmm. Maybe it’s time to start over with social media, too….?
Have you ever wanted to start over, in work life or in life life? Have you ever started over? How did that go? Ultimately, were you happy with the changes?
The last 7 years have been filled with do-overs. I feel you x