What’s your damage, Heather?
While I was waiting for the results of the test, I played a little game. I wrote down some of the things I consider symptoms;...
Where the Magic Happens
In March, I went to Walt Disney World for the first time since Tim died. The first time since Heath died. I’d been to Disney Springs and to a couple of resorts, but not inside the park. I knew it would only be harder, after Heath died, but then when Tim died…? I just didn’t know, you know? What if I went there and just cried the whole time? What if I went there and had a panic attack? What if I went there and had a GOOD time? What would THAT say about me?! But I knew that at some point, I’d have to go. I’ve been going to Disney since I was three years old. I’m not going to… not go to Disney. Not if I live within driving distance. I might not get there for a few years, but I’ll get there eventually.
There have been changes, of course, since the first time I went to Disney when I was three. Changes in who I go with, changes in the parks themselves. And sure; it was a little hard after my dad died, because he’s the one I used to go with a lot. Not every time, but the most. The first time that Tim and I went after my dad died, and we ate at the SciFi Dine In Theater? I went to call my dad to tell him how cool it was. I was reaching for my phone when I remembered. He’d been gone about three weeks.
But I had been going a lot with Heath because he’d been working there for a couple of years by then, and with Heath and Laura, and then Tim, Heath, Laura, and the twins. So… it was different, going with Tim, and sure, there were places I would see, like an overlay, me and my father, years ago. But it was good, too, going to a place that he and I had so much fun, and having more fun and making new memories, with other people I love. And that’s kind of what this became.
I had mentioned to Dacia and Dov when they were up in January, that maybe I was almost ready to go. If I could go with them. People I love, people that I know wouldn’t, like, laugh at me if I started crying for what looks to an outsider to be no reason. Someone I already had a Disney history with so not everything would be new, and no set plans or Fast Passes (or whatever the fuck Fast Passes are now) and no schedules but just… to go. And not have any expectations. To be able to leave if I couldn’t do it, but to stay if I could, and be with people who would be OK with it either way. And people from whom I wouldn’t have to hide what I was feeling at any given moment. Friends, in other words.
So when Jeff and I were going to ICFA in March, with Aunt Gay and Uncle Joe… we skipped out one day and went to the parks with Dacia and Dov. I was a little nervous, beforehand, but… I don’t know. As soon as we went under those arches, and honestly I can’t remember right now if they read “The Most Magical Place on Earth” or “Where Dreams Come True”… but it doesn’t matter. As soon as we passed them, everything just felt right. I was in the right place, with the right people, at the right time, and while everything going forward with my life might not be easy, it’ll be good. Because I have friends. I have people I can lean on, and who can lean on me.
And yes. Yes, there were things that Tim and I had done together, that I was now doing with different people. But it felt less like I was taking something away from Tim and more like I was building on what he and I had started. That I was being, relaxing, enjoying, experiencing life in this place I love, letting it heal me with the good memories of what had come before, and making new good memories on top of those. Eating at places I’d eaten with Tim, but also with Aunt Gay and Uncle Joe, and also with Heath, and now with Dacia and Dov and Jeff. Passing the place that Tim and I had had an argument, but also the place where I’d stood and watched the Star Wars fireworks for the first time with Heath and Tim. Passing that statue that was a fertility symbol that Laura jokingly threw herself on one time before the twins were conceived, making a joke about how maybe it would help them have the baby they wanted so much. Even going on a new ride that opened right about the time that Heath died, that I had never been on before.
I’m glad I went. I’m glad I went with the friends I went with, I’m glad we made new memories together and I’m looking forward to making more. Going to Disney in March was much more healing than I thought it would be, and I’m so grateful for that. For my friends. For everything I have in my life.
I had annual passes for years and years but the last time they made the cost so high I figured I’d had enough. Enjoyed it while it lasted. Now not only too expensive but also too crowded. Not fun anymore.
forward, never forgetting but forward.