Snarkland

Originally uploaded on March 31, 2004; instigator of probably the funniest comments to ever be left on my blog.

Do zombies poop?

Inquiring minds want to know. Or is that “enquiring”?

No, but really. Do you think zombies poop? Because, they seem to always be trying to eat you. So you think they’d always have something in their stomachs. Yet, they’re dead… so do their digestive systems function?

I tried to do a key-word search on Google, but I’m at work and the website I found that could answer my questions was blocked by our crazy internet blocking filter. So if any of you peeps out there could help us find out, we’d love to know!

Yes, these are the kinds of burning questions we come up with at work.

Posted by Lorena on 03/31 at 02:33 PM

Original comments after the cut… feel free to add new ones, this shit just never gets old.

Well, here’s a better one, are zombies ruled by science?

If so, then technically, zombies would have to be alive in some sense. The original host of the body is dead, but now it would technically be another type of organism. And it would follow that their digestive systems, while it may have changed, would have to work.

If not, then they are truly dead, or undead if you will, then whatever they eat would magically disappear, and would never have to digest it or poop.

Here’s another question for you. Why don’t zombies eat each other?

Posted by Robbie  on  03/31/04  at  02:56 PM

If they don’t digest – where does the mass go?

If they convert matter into mana, then fine.

..otherwise…zombies eat until they explode…

Do zombies with no lower jaw eat?

If they don’t eat, what happens?

How do they swallow without saliva?

What about those with damage to their neck muscles; throat?

Now…about their senses…

Posted by Rikk  on  03/31/04  at  04:53 PM

From my inbox this morning:

- “Zombies poop only if they have eaten. Their poop is just like ours; digested. Otherwise, where would they get the energy to chase us down and eat us? Zombies are mistaken to be dead. They aren’t dead… they just have no souls. I’ve heard that all you have to do is hold up the Handbook of Hydrology and a Zombie will run away. It’s kinda the same effect as the crucifix has on Vampires.” (- an engineer)

- Everybody poops, everyyyybodddeeee poooooopsss… (- in a singing voice)

- I do not have the technical knowledge to answer this… ( – an accountant)

Posted by Lorena  on  04/01/04  at  09:59 AM

There is a wonderful story by Joe Lansdale called something like “Stranded in the Cadillac Desert with Dead Folks” that answers many of these questions– it’s found in an anthology edited by Skipp and Spector called Book of the Dead, from the late 80′s splatterpunk days. I’ll try to find it for you.

Posted by laura  on  04/01/04  at  10:45 AM

actually, i think that lansdale thinks zombies poop– because the mummy in bubba ho-tep scrawls graffitti on the bathroom wall while taking care of business.

Posted by laura  on  04/01/04  at  10:46 AM

What is the matter with you people? Zombies don’t poop! They spew!

They also don’t burn calories – they are driven by unseen evil forces, and the units of energy they expend are called FODs (Forces of Darkness). So what they are, in the great scheme of things, are mulching machines. They grind stuff up, then spew it back out, thus providing a slippery surface for you to fall down on, the occasional contagion, and a reek that reminds you that there is evil about. The mulching action doesn’t add to their FODs, however. Think of absolute evil as an awesome nuclear furnace with wireless capability – that’s what the band Soundgarden was on about in their sone Black Hole Sun. It’s also where we get the term “that sucks” used to describe something that’s bad – but then, I’m getting into advanced voodoo here, and I don’t want your heads to start spinning, so I’ll leave it at that.

-Dr. Bombay

Posted by Skipernicus  on  04/01/04  at  03:48 PM

Well, that was very … educational.

The phrase itself, “zombie poop thread,” conjures up a terrible image. “How do you find a lost zombie?” “Just follow the … ”

Posted by Unca Joe  on  04/02/04  at  08:20 AM

i had to come back and post this here…

I was at a party on Friday, and a bunch of deep thinker types (dope smoking poncho wearers, if you get my meaning) where sitting around a bonfire talking about the deeper meaning of, uh, everything and all… And I put for the eternal question “do Zombie’s poop?”. After a brief silence (in which i thought maybe I’d become a part of the bonfire), there was much discourse on the subject. So I made good my escape!

Turns out that 9 out of 10 deep thinkers believe that zombies poop, undead, dead, or alive.

Posted by Skipernicus  on  04/04/04  at  10:16 PM