Do zombies poop?

Originally uploaded on March 31, 2004; instigator of probably the funniest comments to ever be left on my blog.

Do zombies poop?

Inquiring minds want to know. Or is that “enquiring”?

No, but really. Do you think zombies poop? Because, they seem to always be trying to eat you. So you think they’d always have something in their stomachs. Yet, they’re dead… so do their digestive systems function?

I tried to do a key-word search on Google, but I’m at work and the website I found that could answer my questions was blocked by our crazy internet blocking filter. So if any of you peeps out there could help us find out, we’d love to know!

Yes, these are the kinds of burning questions we come up with at work.

Posted by Lorena on 03/31 at 02:33 PM

Original comments after the cut… feel free to add new ones, this shit just never gets old.

Well, here’s a better one, are zombies ruled by science?

If so, then technically, zombies would have to be alive in some sense. The original host of the body is dead, but now it would technically be another type of organism. And it would follow that their digestive systems, while it may have changed, would have to work.

If not, then they are truly dead, or undead if you will, then whatever they eat would magically disappear, and would never have to digest it or poop.

Here’s another question for you. Why don’t zombies eat each other?

Posted by Robbie  on  03/31/04  at  02:56 PM

If they don’t digest – where does the mass go?

If they convert matter into mana, then fine.

..otherwise…zombies eat until they explode…

Do zombies with no lower jaw eat?

If they don’t eat, what happens?

How do they swallow without saliva?

What about those with damage to their neck muscles; throat?

Now…about their senses…

Posted by Rikk  on  03/31/04  at  04:53 PM

From my inbox this morning:

- “Zombies poop only if they have eaten. Their poop is just like ours; digested. Otherwise, where would they get the energy to chase us down and eat us? Zombies are mistaken to be dead. They aren’t dead… they just have no souls. I’ve heard that all you have to do is hold up the Handbook of Hydrology and a Zombie will run away. It’s kinda the same effect as the crucifix has on Vampires.” (- an engineer)

- Everybody poops, everyyyybodddeeee poooooopsss… (- in a singing voice)

- I do not have the technical knowledge to answer this… ( – an accountant)

Posted by Lorena  on  04/01/04  at  09:59 AM

There is a wonderful story by Joe Lansdale called something like “Stranded in the Cadillac Desert with Dead Folks” that answers many of these questions– it’s found in an anthology edited by Skipp and Spector called Book of the Dead, from the late 80′s splatterpunk days. I’ll try to find it for you.

Posted by laura  on  04/01/04  at  10:45 AM

actually, i think that lansdale thinks zombies poop– because the mummy in bubba ho-tep scrawls graffitti on the bathroom wall while taking care of business.

Posted by laura  on  04/01/04  at  10:46 AM

What is the matter with you people? Zombies don’t poop! They spew!

They also don’t burn calories – they are driven by unseen evil forces, and the units of energy they expend are called FODs (Forces of Darkness). So what they are, in the great scheme of things, are mulching machines. They grind stuff up, then spew it back out, thus providing a slippery surface for you to fall down on, the occasional contagion, and a reek that reminds you that there is evil about. The mulching action doesn’t add to their FODs, however. Think of absolute evil as an awesome nuclear furnace with wireless capability – that’s what the band Soundgarden was on about in their sone Black Hole Sun. It’s also where we get the term “that sucks” used to describe something that’s bad – but then, I’m getting into advanced voodoo here, and I don’t want your heads to start spinning, so I’ll leave it at that.

-Dr. Bombay

Posted by Skipernicus  on  04/01/04  at  03:48 PM

Well, that was very … educational.

The phrase itself, “zombie poop thread,” conjures up a terrible image. “How do you find a lost zombie?” “Just follow the … ”

Posted by Unca Joe  on  04/02/04  at  08:20 AM

i had to come back and post this here…

I was at a party on Friday, and a bunch of deep thinker types (dope smoking poncho wearers, if you get my meaning) where sitting around a bonfire talking about the deeper meaning of, uh, everything and all… And I put for the eternal question “do Zombie’s poop?”. After a brief silence (in which i thought maybe I’d become a part of the bonfire), there was much discourse on the subject. So I made good my escape!

Turns out that 9 out of 10 deep thinkers believe that zombies poop, undead, dead, or alive.

Posted by Skipernicus  on  04/04/04  at  10:16 PM

6 Comments

  1. Skipernicus September 2, 2009 11:32 pm Reply

    Look at my cool answer in there. I am teh awesoom!

  2. Dan January 9, 2010 11:54 am Reply

    Let us not forget the knowledge we got from resident evil. They are driven by the most basic of instincts, meaning at least some small part of them is alive, and they need food to make energy in order to chase us. They may not expel there waste in the form of poop but i believe its spewed out.

  3. Zombeh2u June 13, 2010 12:48 am Reply

    vell seeing as how ive been a zombeh for ze past 4 yearz i do take shiiitz, vonce every twoo dayz, sometimes i clog ze toilet, bein souless as left me wit ze accent, pardon me, i use to be ze french. an nooo ve are not ruules by science, in fact we came up vit it. ve dont eat otha zombehz becuz zeh taste lyke deh shit, humans have zeh adrenaline we zombehz cravee, we prefers not to eat alone, especially on friday nightz wen ze oza zombehz are at zeh disco. any mo questonz please feel free to zontact meh ..

    chow..

    and no zeh zombie joke about zeh vegitarian zombehs eating graainns or human beeeings izz sooo lasstt yearzzz

    chow two timez…

  4. James Leszczynski August 20, 2012 9:52 pm Reply

    Zombies would poop involuntarily, just like a cadaver does. If their brain has the capability to transmit electrical impulses to the limbs to walk, it’s not inconceivable that they can pass food through their digestive system, albeit a deteriorating one. And zombies don’t eat because they have to, but they are maniacally driven to do so.

  5. THEO October 18, 2012 4:08 am Reply

    Here is a better answer i found on yahoo by lazyslac to the question “If Zombies eat flesh & continue to move around, Do zombies poop?”

    -nope, they don’t eat because they need to they “eat” because the virus uses the previously established neural pathways that allow a bite. The swallowing is just an unnecessary left over reaction. Of course I could be wrong and the swallowing allows the storage of moisture in the form of blood allowing the blood born virus to be transmitted by the monster’s bite. Either way there is no processing of the flesh so eventually the zombie bursts its own stomach not that it does any real harm to it.

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