Last Friday (so, a week ago yesterday) I took pictures of everything that needs fixing in the studio and wrote up descriptions of everything to send off to a HandyWoman company I’ve been in touch with, to see if everything I need done are things they can/will do, and let me tell you, that was heavy. There were things Jeff never got to when he lived here that are also things Tim never got to when he was alive, and a lot of those things are in a much more dire situation than they were even just a few years ago (Tim and I bought the place in 2015). Doing this gave me… all kinds of feelings. Sadness that Tim isn’t here for me to yell at about getting it fucking done already. Sadness that when I would ask him to do things, his answer was usually “well, get to me about it when it’s a problem” and I would be like, dude, I AM TRYING TO GET WITH YOU ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW. I’m not somebody to ask for help with something if I don’t need it, and I’m not someone who will pretend something is bigger than it is in order to get help. I’ll tell someone I need help, and if they are non-responsive, I won’t ask again. Maybe they think I’m going to ask again if it gets worse, but I’m thinking that it’s already bad enough for me to ask for help and if they don’t help, they don’t want to help.
So each photo I took of something that needed to be repaired was a reminder that someone I asked for help didn’t listen to me. It was a reminder that I have all of Tim’s power tools and don’t know how to use any of them. I get how they work, in theory, but do you really want to use a compound miter saw or table saw for the first time with nobody around? Every picture was a reminder of what I don’t have. It was a sign that I feel like I’ve let this place slide into disrepair, as if I was in control of water leaks and pest infestations and time and entropy. My head knows that I’m not a horrible loser responsible for things falling apart but my heart says that maybe this place is too big for me to live here alone, that it’s too much responsibility for a girl – well, an old lady – with health problems and no partner and a fear of cutting her hand off in a terribly table saw accident.
Anyway, that day was rough, is what I’m saying. I went to bed early because my brain was just so full and my body so tired.
Saturday I spent the day with an out-of-town friend, showing her a little bit of Gainesville and catching up on years of not seeing each other in person. OK, funny story, this is actually only the second time we’ve seen each other in person, although we’ve been friends online for like 20 years! I went to bed early that night because I was so tired from being that social, haha.
Sunday I spent time with another friend who came out to my house, and we sat around and ate cheese and knitting together and talked about everything and nothing. After she left I completely forgot it was Sunday, the day I usually prep my social media plan for HaldeCraft for the week. Honestly I don’t even remember what I did after she left; I might have done some laundry and then gone to bed early because whoa the last three days had been a lot.
Monday I forgot it wasn’t Sunday, and I started off the day by saying “OK, I know I have a video I’ve already posted on Patreon but I need to edit it down for time and post it to Socials” and the next thing I knew it was like five hours later and I hadn’t even gotten out of my pajamas. I did more computer work and then in spite of being a slug for the day, I went to bed early because my brain was so tired from squinting at the computer and trying to cut videos at the exact right moment.
Tuesday I had errands in Gainesville most of the day. I kind of said “well, the last two days have been a wash, social media/work wise, so I think I’m going to work on deep cleaning the studio, so that if this HandyWoman company will take me on, it’s at least got enough room for them to move around in.” So I got a lot of deep-cleaning stuff while I was out running errands, and that was really all of my day.
Wednesday I moved some furniture in the studio that had been where it was for a good two or three years, and I discovered something that I didn’t know about and became the top front and center thing that had to be fixed right away. It was something I could do myself, as long as I took my time and didn’t overextend myself. So that led to Thursday, Friday, and Saturday (just today? Shit, this has been a long week), in which I moved almost every piece of furniture in the studio (“I need to get there, but I can’t get there unless I move that, and to move that I have to move this first”), and kind of like what I said above, about Friday, everything I did and everything I saw was a reminder that I’m on my own out here in spite of having asked people for help. Why is it that my first thought about not getting help when I ask for it is “it must be me” and not maybe something like “I’m asking the wrong person”…?
Also yesterday, my new HandyWoman came out to see everything in person, and LET ME TELL YOU. I felt seen like I hadn’t been seen in … since I don’t know when. She said things like “this is FIFTEEN WHOLE ACRES and you’re holding it together by yourself! 15 acres of property is a full time job, let alone two 2000 sq ft buildings, you’re doing fine” and “this doesn’t scare me, these are just cobwebs and we can clean that shit up and then saw off this and replace this and cover that up with this” and “guuuuurl, you want to learn how to use a compound miter saw? I got you.” We spent two hours walking around the house and studio and she’s got a lot of great ideas and is talking like this is all minor stuff, there’s just a lot of it, so not to worry. I asked her a couple of times if I could just throw myself at her feet and hug her ankles, haha. Anyway, not surprisingly, I was exhausted by about 7 PM and went to bed early … which stupidly meant I was wide awake by 1 AM so got up and read a book for two hours and then went back to sleep at 3 and was very not ready to be awake when the dogs wanted to get moving at 7.
And like I said above, today was also spent taking care of heavy things in the studio. Guess who’s tired at 7:30?!
Oh, for fuck’s sake, my Internet just went out… Now I need to use a hotspot to publish this. Could just one more thing be just 10% more complicated today? I’d really love that. I’m just not frustrated enough.
A’right, I’m done for the day. I could probably write another thousand words on widowhood and home repair and running a business, but I don’t want to use up my limited hot spot. Also I just want to curl up in bed with the dogs and the last few chapters of that book, and call it a night.
Thanks for reading, y’all. xoxo