March 5, 2022

One thing I don’t think I’ve talked about is that about once a week, maybe once every ten days or so, some well-meaning person would message me with the thoughtful advice of how they had heard about Covid vaccines causing heart damage so I might want to bring that up with Tim’s care staff. You know, as if I’d been sitting around for the last three months wondering what might have caused all of this but not looking into it….? I mean…. I know, I get it, I do; these messages were sent from a place of love and concern, and I appreciate that. But. We’ve been in a major hospital, 24 hours a day, for almost three months. During the Covid pandemic. Where he has been tested for Covid every time he changes floors. Where I have filled out paperwork indicating that he has gotten both vaccines, although no boosters yet. Trust me, they know he’d been vaccinated.

Heart damage as a side effect of vaccinations was not the issue. That issue is called myocarditis. Tim had endocarditis. Going back to Doctor Google for a minute, let me quote DifferenceBetweenDOTcom. “Endocarditis is a life-threatening condition that causes inflammation of the inner layer of the heart’s chambers and valves. This layer is known as the endocardium. Endocarditis is normally caused by an infection of bacteria, fungi, or any other germs that get into the bloodstream and attach to the damaged areas in the heart. Myocarditis is a medical condition that causes inflammation of the myocardium of the heart. Infection with a virus is one cause of myocarditis. Sometimes, a drug reaction, radiation, or general inflammatory conditions can cause myocarditis.” Tim had Endocarditis, caused by Staphylococcus lugdunensis, which I have previously talked about here.

I do appreciate people caring, I really do. But explaining this over and over again was draining, taking up emotional bandwidth that I didn’t really have at the time. I hope that I wasn’t too short with anyone who messaged me about this. Please know, if you did message me, and I seemed short-tempered in my answer, that I just didn’t have a lot to spare. I know it came from a place of love. But trust me, we had that part under control.

Oh my mama told me
‘Cause she says she learned the hard way
She say she wanna spare the children
She say don’t give or sell your soul away
‘Cause all that you have is your soul

So don’t be tempted by the shiny apple
Don’t you eat of a bitter fruit
Hunger only for a taste of justice
Hunger only for a world of truth
‘Cause all that you have is your soul

Tim will have dialysis at some point today, and depending on when that seems about to start, I’ll do some PT with him (but not if he’s undergoing dialysis, I don’t want to touch him then). He’s just asleep right now, same as yesterday. At some point before I got here yesterday, someone changed the station from the news to the hospital-run “relax” station, which is videos of peaceful scenery and animals, with bird sounds that seem to have nothing to do with the scenes overlayed on top of it for audio. One of those birds is a loon, and every now and then it’s quiet enough that I forget it’s even on and then LOON NOISES!!!1!.

Well I was a pretty young girl once
I had dreams I had high hopes
I married a man he stole my heart away
He gave his love but what a high price I paid
All that you have is your soul

So don’t be tempted by the shiny apple
Don’t you eat of a bitter fruit
Hunger only for a taste of justice
Hunger only for a world of truth
‘Cause all that you have is your soul

Today, nobody ever came out of valet to get my car, so I went ahead and drove over to the parking garage. The attendant I talked to yesterday said that they were short-handed this week because it’s the start of Spring Break. That seems to be reflected in staffing here at Select, too, as my frazzled nurse (whose name I did not catch, and it’s not written on the board in Tim’s room) said they were short-handed today. I’m guessing, if he’s like the other nurses we’ve had, he’s got three patients (over in ICU they had one, or two). So I don’t imagine I’ll be seeing much of him today, other maybe than him running here and there in the hall. (Side note, I did just run into him as I was waiting at the nurse’s station to get a parking voucher so that I don’t have to pay $10 for the world’s scariest parking garage, and he told me that parking is free there on the weekends, no voucher needed. So I guess I’ll park there tomorrow, too.) Anyway, thanks to Santa, I’ll be working on a good bag-o-snacks for the valet attendants on Monday!

Why was I such a young fool
Thought I’d make history
Making babies was the best I could do
Thought I’d made something that could be mine forever
Found out the hard way one can’t possess another
And all that you have is your soul

So don’t be tempted by the shiny apple
Don’t you eat of a bitter fruit
Hunger only for a taste of justice
Hunger only for a world of truth
‘Cause all that you have is your soul

Yesterday after …. I almost wrote ‘work’ — yesterday, after I got home, I played around with an idea for the litter box section of the Catio. I put an actual litter box in a while ago, they never use it, they continue to poop on the ground and maybe cover it up with a leaf or two. I tried putting down actual cat litter, which is fine but will clump in the rain, I know, thank you – it’s also going to get expensive. So because Goblin really likes to poop in the apron of a tortoise burrow, I went up to Tim’s garden and got some dirt. I really only had it in me to do one load of it, but I’ll do another today or tomorrow. As I scoop out what they leave in there, it’ll change more from dirt-and-cat-litter to just-dirt. Mostly I did this because the smell was getting really overpowering as I stand on the stairs there and open the front door. Nobody wants a front door that smells like cat poop. I mean, maybe if I got a lot of Jehovah’s Witnesses or something, but, if it’s just me coming home? No thank you.

I thought, thought that I could find a way
To beat the system
To make a deal and have no debts to pay
I’d take it all, I’d take it all, I’d run away
Me for myself first class and first rate
But all that you have is your soul

So don’t be tempted by the shiny apple
Don’t you eat of a bitter fruit
Hunger only for a taste of justice
Hunger only for a world of truth
‘Cause all that you have is your soul

Anyway. Moya was very confused while I did that, because I had to lock the cat flap so nobody could get out while I was in there and had the door wide open.

Here I am, I’m waiting for a better day
A second chance
A little luck to come my way
A hope to dream, a hope that I can sleep again
And wake in the world with a clear conscience and clean hands
‘Cause all that you have is your soul

So don’t be tempted by the shiny apple
Don’t you eat of a bitter fruit
Hunger only for a taste of justice
Hunger only for a world of truth
‘Cause all that you have is your soul

I guess that’s about it for today. I have other things I could write about, but… meh. I’m just kind of “meh” today and that’s about it.

xoxo y’all.

Less than a week left. I was so tired, so numb. I can’t imagine what Tim was feeling. I wish I knew what Tim was feeling. Or would that just make me feel worse?

Oh my mama told me
‘Cause she say she learned the hard way
She say she wanna spare the children
She say don’t give or sell your soul away
‘Cause all that you have is your soul
All that you have
All that you have
All that you have
Is your soul

Lyrics by Tracy Chapman
All That You Have is Your Soul