February 2, 2022

This was one of those definitely two different posts, one for family and one for the public, kind of days. It makes me wonder if there’s a text message buried somewhere in my phone that I sent to family the night before, since there’s some stuff in here about our Case Manager having called me at home the previous day and I don’t seem to have any notes on it. I don’t even remember the conversation. I mean, I remember having had it, but not it exactly. I wonder why that is? Is it because ultimately it didn’t matter, so I’ve forgotten it because it’s unnecessary information? Or was it so traumatic that I’ve blocked it out….? The last thing I had time for during all of this was therapy, but boy howdy… I’m getting ready to get some finally, and she’s gonna have her work cut out for her.

The soldier came knocking upon the Queen’s door
He said, “I am not fighting for you any more”
The Queen knew she’d seen his face someplace before
And slowly she let him inside

Let’s do the public post first.

In spite of Seagull Case Worker calling me yesterday at home (surprised that I wasn’t still there at 4 in the afternoon, wow, lady, sorry I took the one day you wanted to come in and shit all over the room to leave at 2 and take a little care of myself, that sure was inconvenient for you) and telling me that we were moving today, I got here this morning (without food, even, in case we were moving early, thinking I could always get something from the cafeteria if we weren’t) and when I told the nurse I heard we were maybe moving today, she was like “really? I haven’t heard anything about it!” …. I swear that case worker is going to make me bananas.

He said, “I’ve watched your palace up here on the hill
And I’ve wondered who’s the woman for whom we all kill
But I am leaving tomorrow and you can do what you will
Only first I am asking you why”

Down in the long narrow hall he was led
Into her rooms with her tapestries red
And she never once took the crown from her head
She asked him there to sit down

Tim had a good night. All his numbers stayed good, and he’s looking fine this morning. He was up when I got here about half an hour ago, but is sleeping now –he had his morning meds and morning teeth cleaning, and that tired him out.

And just now, RT came in to give him a little time off the vent – he’s still asleep, though, and he looks OH YOU TEE OUT, so he very well might sleep through the whole thing. Wait, no, they changed their minds, no time off the vent today – just rest.

OK, post Rounds notes — it sounds like while he doesn’t have a fever, his white blood cell count is still up, and they won’t move him while that’s elevated — so we’ll be here another few days, at least (take that, Seagull Case Worker). (it’s not that I don’t want Tim in a good rehab facility, it’s more… the experience of speaking with this Case Worker. Or, being spoken TO. I feel less like I’m speaking ‘with’ her and more that we are speaking ‘in the same room’.) Also, they’re going to give him another bronchoscopy today, to take yet another look in his lungs to see if he’s started to brew anything in there in the last … three days? I think his last bronc was Sunday or Monday. He has not been coughing nearly as much since they changed his trach out on Monday, so I think the assessment of most of the coughing being because of where the trach was hitting his throat, was spot on.

He said, “I see you now, and you are so very young
But I’ve seen more battles lost than I have battles won
And I’ve got this intuition, says it’s all for your fun
And now will you tell me why?”

The young queen, she fixed him with an arrogant eye
She said, “You won’t understand, and you may as well not try”
But her face was a child’s, and he thought she would cry
But she closed herself up like a fan

Today in “where did I park”… I almost had to get out and push the car forward the last foot, lol. It was a tight squeeze to get out of it.

Wait, one more update before I post, the nurse just stuck her head back in again; she said we are definitely not moving today or tomorrow, not at all, not a chance, that Case Worker needs to get it together. Also, instead of a PICC line they’re going to do a … ugh, not a Central line, a … ah! A Midline. It goes in the same area of the arm as the PICC line but the actual line is not as long, and does not go all the way to the heart. like the PICC line. She said she couldn’t give me a ballpark time of when that is but said it’s usually in the afternoon, and I said that like yesterday, I was planning on leaving around 2 or so — she said that might work out well, because they usually do them later in the afternoon, so I might be gone (it’s a sterile procedure that takes about an hour, and I’d have to leave the room for it).

In other news….? Troublesome would like to show off today’s gift basket for the nurses (she legit almost started crying when I handed it to her)… Goblin doesn’t understand why I would make warms for her hardshell sisters and then not want her to sit right under the warms, don’t good kitties get warms? … sunrise, with… is that a meteor? An airplane? … Tim’s favorite tree is blooming … and almost every day I get stopped at this red light and see this one apartment. The “let’s party” has been up there since between Christmas and New Year’s and I … have so many questions. Are we still partying? They never open that shade, did they forget that it’s there? Will they open it in a few months and be surprised?

And she said, “I’ve swallowed a secret burning thread
It cuts me inside, and often I’ve bled”
He laid his hand then on top of her head
And he bowed her down to the ground

But here’s what I had earlier written to family.

Sure enough, I got here this morning (without food, even, in case we were moving early, thinking I could always get something from the cafeteria if we weren’t) and when I told the nurse I heard we were maybe moving today, she was like “really? I haven’t heard anything about it!” …. I swear that case worker is going to make me bananas.

They haven’t done rounds on this side of the hall yet, but according to the nurse, Tim had a good night. All his numbers stayed good, and he’s looking fine this morning. He was up when I got here about half an hour ago, but is sleeping now –he had his morning meds and morning teeth cleaning, and that tired him out.

They are also going to redo the PICC line at some point today; they had to take the one out, two or so days ago because it somehow escaped near his heart and coiled up in his neck (sigh, only Tim, right?). So they’ll be putting that back in at some point today.

And just now, RT came in to give him a little time off the vent – he’s still asleep, though, and he looks OH YOU TEE OUT, so he very well might sleep through the whole thing.

Oh, and here they come to do rounds, too. It never rains but it pours! More later if they come in and talk to me after rounds.

“Tell me how hungry are you? How weak you must feel
As you are living here alone, and you are never revealed
But I won’t march again on your battlefield”
And he took her to the window to see.

And the sun, it was gold, though the sky, it was gray
And she wanted more than she ever could say
But she knew how it frightened her, and she turned away
And would not look at his face again

OK — it sounds like while he doesn’t have a fever, his white blood cell count is still up, and they won’t move him while that’s elevated — so we’ll be here another few days, at least. Also, now, in addition to getting the new PICC line today, they’re going to give him another bronchoscopy, to take yet another look in his lungs to see if he’s started to brew anything in there in the last … three days? I think his last bronc was Sunday or Monday.

And hold on, I got a couple pictures of him falling asleep….

OK, the nurse just stuck her head back in again; she said we are definitely not moving today or tomorrow, not at all, not a chance, that Case Worker needs to get it together. Also, instead of a PICC line they’re going to do a … ugh, not a Central line, a … ah! A Midline. It goes in the same area of the arm as the PICC line but the actual line is not as long, and does not go all the way to the heart. like the PICC line. She said she could’t give me a ballpark time of when that is but said it’s usually in the afternoon, and I said that like yesterday, I was planning on leaving around 2 or so — she said that might work out well, because they usually do them later in the afternoon, so I might be gone (it’s a sterile procedure that takes about an hour, and I’d have to leave the room for it).

And he said, “I want to live as an honest man
To get all I deserve and to give all I can
And to love a young woman who I don’t understand
Your highness, your ways are very strange”

A couple of different people sent me some of these a couple of different times, and let me tell you, THEY ARE THE BEST THING EVER.

I think I mentioned, but after all this was over, I had to change the ring tone on my phone. Calls like the one I apparently had at home with the Seagull Case Worker, and calls I had later when he moved to Select… I couldn’t hear my phone ringing without my heart starting to race and starting to breathe quickly. I think that was my only “sound” thing though. Although now, when I see a hospital scene on tv or in a movie, my main thought is that “it’s too quiet”. Also that it’s too neat and tidy. I mean, look at Tim’s bed up there, and the gear all around him. I get you can’t have that much around on a set, all the equipment would get in the way of the lights and cameras. But he had that much shit around him and he wasn’t even life-or-death yet… so how am I supposed to believe that the character on TV is at death’s door when they aren’t even hooked up to fluids, or oxygen? Jeez. Real life will really ruin you sometimes, for television.

But the crown, it had fallen, and she thought she would break
And she stood there, ashamed of the way her heart ached
She took him to the doorstep and she asked him to wait
She would only be a moment inside

Out in the distance her order was heard
And the soldier was killed, still waiting for her word
And while the Queen went on strangling in the solitude she preferred
The battle continued on

Lyrics by Suzanne Vega
The Queen and the Soldier