Back when I was in the hospital in May, the doctor there didn’t like that I was having trouble breathing and that my oxygen was so low. Well, one of the, like, four doctors I saw in five or six days. I kept trying to explain “asthma” and “lungs filled with fluid thanks to sepsis” but she was convinced it was sleep apnea, so she wanted to send me to get a sleep study. I promise, this is going to tie into grief, pinky swear. But I have to set this up first.
I wasn’t able to get an appointment with them until yesterday, and let me tell you, that office was …. well, let’s just say that my current primary care physician has spoiled me and this office was not nearly as tightly run as hers.
I didn’t have to wait long to get called back, maybe 15 minutes past my appointment time (for which I was 15 minutes early, mind you). But once back there I wound up waiting for the doctor for about half an hour. When he finally did show up, it was rapid-fire question time about my sleep habits… and let me tell you, dude only wanted “yes” or “no” answers. He was not interested in shades of gray… which is where we started to butt heads a little. Because to me, a question like “when you wake up in the morning, are the sheets and blankets generally where they were when you went to sleep? Meaning, are they bunched up and pulled around on the bed” needs an answer like “it depends on whether or not the dogs have tried to burrow under the covers and/or get between the covers and me to get closer to me”. And boy howdy was that NOT an answer he wanted. He spent a lot of time countering my answers with a very tired “just yes or no” and you know what, dude? Fuck you. I’m not trying to give you the answers you want, I’m trying to give you answers that are specific to me. I’m sorry for you if you have a little checkbox in that computer that only takes yes or no as an answer, because people contain multitudes.
So when we got to the “how long has your sleep been bad” and I said a little over two years, it was hard for me to explain when he said “so it’s been getting worse for two years” that no, it’s not been getting worse for two years, it’s actually been getting BETTER for two years after about six months of being in the toilet. So I explained that my husband had died, and that it was very hard for me to sleep while he was in the hospital and for a few months after.
And do you know what he said?
“So, it’s been a little over two years, and your sleep is still affected? You should be over it by now.”
And again, with no due respect, FUCK YOU, MAN. Are you a grief counselor? Are you a therapist? You have zero, ZERO right to tell me how long I should be grieving, or recovering from a loss.
And I say that in defense of not just myself, but any of my friends (or their friends) who is grieving a loss. The death of a spouse or parent or sibling or child. The loss of a job you loved. The loss of a friendship. The death of a pet. A divorce. Losing a house in a flood or fire or hurricane. If you are grieving, there is not a single person on this planet who has the right to tell you that you have grieved enough and should be over it. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck anyone who says that to anyone.
If you are worried about your level of grief? If you are afraid you’re never going to get over it or that it’s too heavy to bear alone? Reach out for help. There are free crisis lines. There are paid therapists. There are free or donation-based groups to join for comfort. If you are worried about you, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. But if someone you’ve just met, who has known you for seven minutes, tells you that it’s weird you’re still suffering from this, that you should be past it, tell them I said that Fuck Off Mountain is right over there, and they can climb it.
There’s more about the sleep study doctor that I didn’t like and could go on about, but this is the point I wanted to make: Everyone’s grief journey is their own road to travel. Maybe you’ve slept well (or ate well, or exercised a lot, and took care of yourself) for a year, but then there’s an anniversary or something comes up and you don’t sleep well (or eat well, and you stop exercising, etc) for a few weeks. Nobody gets to marginalize that. Nobody gets to tell you that enough time has passed that things like that shouldn’t affect you. Nobody.
Bravo! You are fighting a good fight and should not be talked down to in this manner. Of course, as a woman, you must be stuck with authoritative assholes assigning emotions to you. Actually, well, no. The sleep apnea evangelists can be cult like. I told one that, and my doctor cracked up at the account. You are fighting your way out of hell. I respect that but you don’t need my respect. Only your own.
I have sleep apnea and have used a machine for 12 years. That being said, I have never had a visit with my sleep specialist be any shorter than 30 minutes, usually 45 minutes or so. Each practitioner I have been seen by has always been interested in all the idiosincrasies of my sleep patterns. Pets in and on the bed, restless spouse, death of said restless spouse, and all the minutia of bedtime and life.
Time for a different doctor should you need to pursue testing and possible treatment. (Probably not necessary but you never can tell)
Your life is personal. Do your grief your way and don’t let anyone tell you different.
This. All day long. Home slice can fuck all the way off.
You could have filled out a check box questionnaire at home. I’d have walked out. You can , i’m sure; imagine how proud of Jenny & Adam’s girls my Mom and Dad would be ? An artist , a cook, and a comic ? I’ll never not miss them so yeah ; you found a doctor you don’t have to go back to and that’s for the better.
btw ; i turned down sleep study b’cuz just the thought of sleeping with something on my face gives me the heebee jeebees . hard nope ; almost can’t do it awake. Bless you also btw for encouraging folx to reach out for help. Do ya hear Mrs. Doubtfire shouting ? ” Help is on the way ! “
Lore. You could and I use that word carefully since I can’t spell delib, delibu, anyway COULD do many others a favor and post part of this on the various review sites that will come up if you search on the doc’s name.
Two things, 1. eventually he’ll get told and MAYBE adjust a bit, and Part B. you can not only MAYBE warn others BUT be one of the few voices saying ‘NO it’s NOT just YOU!’ to readers…
So many of these docs are actually in thrall to the business managers they hire who have no as in ZERO empathy for anything but the quarterly bottom line.
Go get ’em Kid. Call it a loan.
I’m 100% certain that bottom line is the reason ” they ” ( and you know how they can be ) recommend tests that involve the big machines they only use on a random Tuesday. Nope out.
AND they have at home sleep studies now, I had one and it worked fine.
NO FACILITY CHARGES though so….
What an ass. Grief is personal. Grief is unique. And grief doesn’t just disappear after a certain amount of time. It’s not like a highway where you travel a straight road and then eventually reach your destination.
How dare a medical professional not understand how fluid and dynamic and changing it is, and fuck him for acting like you were the crazy one. Good for you for calling out that bullshit.
That doctor! OOOOOHHHH, he makes me so mad, what an asshole. LISTEN to the PATIENT, you moron! Yes or no answers are not going to tell the story, the context, which is IMPORTANT. In the words of that highly intelligent philosopher fellow with the big ears, “What a maroon!”
Can’t believe that Doctor !! I’m guessing he hasn’t had a major loss! Wow! Terrible !
He was an ass. It could have been worse, though – he could have suggested you “get rid” of your dogs because they may be causing your lung issues or disturbing your sleep… I have had that happen.
Grief is personal, and there is no set schedule. Even after life seems to be on an even keel, there is always a chance that something will trigger a bad day or a night where sleep just won’t come. I lost a daughter to suicide in 1997. I STILL have my days where the grief bubbles up like a sick stomach. Not often, but I expect it will always be so. Hugs to you.
I hope you aren’t planning to continue with this jerk. Write a review if they have a place for reviews so he’ll know why he will never be bothered by you again and others will be warned to go elsewhere.