Brain Dump

Why, when I wake up in the morning, do I have the most energy and the most willingness to do ALL THE THINGS? I’m not a morning person, I’m really not! Or… am I? I like to sit out for a little bit (uh, if it’s not unusually frigid) in the mornings with my coffee, under my pergola, watching the dogs run around and sniff everything in the back yard, as if they’ve never sniffed any of that stuff before, ever. And after that? After I wake up a little, after about my second cup of coffee, I start thinking about the gazillion things I want to do, most of which are fun.

What did you want to be when you grew up? When you were young, did you want to be a doctor? A lawyer? A fireman? A ballerina princess space pirate?

I wanted to be happy.

I wanted to have a good life, supported by and being able to support, the people I love. I wanted dogs and cats and books and a safe house to live in and adequate food on my table and a bunch of houseplants that mysteriously never die even when I forget to water them for a week. Huh. I do have most of that! Color me accomplished. Hello, five year old Lore, you’ve achieved your goals. You can watch whatever TV you want, listen to whatever music you want, eat whenever you want, and snuggle dogs all day while you read a book. Oh, but you do have to do some work, you do have a job, you know. What is my job? Do I have to work in an office? Am I a nurse? A scientist? A ballerina princess space pirate? All of that – you’re an artist and a maker and a writer. You have a home office. You nurse your pets. You science the shit outta some clay and glaze. And if you want to write about being a ballerina princess space pirate, have at it!

Here’s a picture of my breakfast, because I’m a grown-ass adult and I can eat what I want!

OK, next up is a little talk about therapy. Feel free to bow out now if things like FEELINGS aren’t your jam.

Back when Tim was in the hospital, I knew I was going to need some therapy. What I was going through was FUCKED UP, yo, and it was fucking me up. I’m a firm believer in therapy – I think that everyone, at some point, needs to talk to someone and get things off their chests and bitch about the way things are and get some unbiased advice. It just so happens that my friends are fantastic to talk with, and most of them love to talk shit out when it comes to feelings and situations and advice and bouncing ideas around. But sometimes you don’t want to burden your friends (or feel like you’re being a burden, even when you’re not) and sometimes things are so heavy that you need someone not at all connected to you.

ANYWAY, got off track, there. So, I knew I was going to need therapy. I would have even looked for a therapist then, except that I was desperate to keep my schedule as wide open as possible, to be there for Tim at any time if he needed me or if shit went sideways (like it did a couple of times). So I made myself a promise; I would put it off until everything with Tim resolved, and then I’d get therapy. Well, it did, and I did. My first therapist was terrible. She just wanted to up my meds (which, OK, I did need more/better meds) and see me for half an hour every three months, where we’d spend about the first ten minutes of the session talking about HER. No thank you. Then there was all that with my primary care physician (a seven week journey, here’s the last post about that) and she helped me to find a really, really fantastic therapist. Who told me a little bit after Thanksgiving that for family reasons she was having to step back from her practice for an unspecified amount of time and that she wouldn’t be seeing patients after December. Ugh.

I searched around for another therapist, one that practiced EMDR (I’m not going to get into it, this is already getting long, but you can read about it here) and after emailing and emailing (a surprising number of therapists are overbooked and not taking new patients, it’s almost like as a country we’ve been through something horrible and traumatic for the last four years and everyone is fucked up) I finally found one. AND I LOVE HER. She’s amazing. I’ve met with her twice now, and … wow. I thought I was feeling better, more capable, after six months with the second therapist? Two sessions with this third therapist and I’m already sleeping better and thinking differently. I’m really looking forward to what the next few months will bring.

One last thing about therapy before I sign off today – I’m always happy to answer questions. If you seem to me like a “not into therapy” person I’m probably not going to volunteer a lot of information. But I’m always willing to talk about it, if you have questions in general or specific about what I’m doing. What I talk about with her, in private, is none of your fucking business – but I’m more than happy to answer questions about what therapy is like and how helpful it is for me.

OK. That’s it. Thanks, y’all!

PS. Oh no! My cheese-to-grape ratio was off, and I have more cheese at the end. Now I have to eat a few pieces of cheese, to clean my plate. Oh, darn. (I love cheese)