While I was waiting for the results of the test, I played a little game. I wrote down some of the things I consider symptoms; things I’d like to get a better handle on, control better, work with, cure, fix, whatever. I Googled some of the overall labels like Anxiety, Grief, ADHD, and compared the symptoms that came up for them to the list I’d made. I thought there would be some overlap, BUT Y’ALL. I didn’t expect this much overlap, and it really made me sit back and think “this is why this shit is always so hard to diagnose.” Also “this is why people who present with things like this are often shooed away with a brand new prescription and are told to just lose weight.” It’s downright confusing to figure out what you have when what you have presents as six different things. It’s also a great argument on not self-diagnosing (please note I did this chart just out of curiosity, not to actually diagnose myself), and why your health care professionals should be listening to you, working with you, and advocating for you.
Hopefully, clicking on the image will make it larger and easier to read… if I’m doing this right…. hope I am…..
Disclaimer: This is not meant to diagnose anyone for anything. I am not a doctor. I’m just a curious person trying to figure some shit out, and making lists has always helped me.
Do I know what I have? Well, I mean, a good guess would be anxiety and grief, you know, what with the last couple of years I’ve had. But I know other widows, other grieving people, and … I mean, I don’t want to minimize the twenty years Tim and I had together, but I kind of seem to not be in the same place. Which is fine and normal! Different people grieve differently, heal at different rates, cope with things in their own unique manner. Plus, I had a lot of time (well, three months) to grieve while he was in the hospital. I went through a lot then. A LOT. I was afraid he was going to die, convinced he was going to die, thought he might make it but need 24/7 health care for the rest of his life, worried that he might need that and not be getting it, and then pretty sure, that last week, that he was going to die.
And honestly, with as unhappy as we had been together for about the previous year, who’s to say that I hadn’t already been grieving then, during that last year? When he was still alive? Granted, grieving for the troubles we were having, not for the loss of him, but… working shit out means working shit out. So is one of my diagnosis really, truly grief? Or is it just that grief has so many of the same symptoms as other things? Another option is that I’m so COMPLETELY messed up that I haven’t even GOTTEN to grief yet. Maybe grief is so much that my body and mind are like “nope, no room at the inn, come back later.” I guess we’ll find out soon….
Part 4 of ….? Stay tuned for Part 5. I think it’s going to be at least seven parts.