Hooooo boy. I’ve written this post like six times today, y’all. Even I want to tell myself to shut up already, haha, even though this is kind of a really real subject.
Let me see if I can delete the chaff and just leave you with what I was really trying to say, all the other times I’ve spewed forth today.
Here’s what it boils down to – you never know when it’s going to be the last time you’re going to see someone.
Which is why, with where I am now, having said goodbye to so many, I try to take that lesson to heart and make time to say the things I might regret not saying. And I try hard (but fail sometimes, sigh, I am human) to not say things out of anger or obstinance that I might regret later. Because later, after someone is gone, the voice that’s left whispering in your head at 3 in the morning croons horrors like “I wish I’d said” or “I wish I hadn’t said” or “why didn’t I ever take the time to”.
Chances are good that if you know me well, you know how I feel about you because most of the time I shout that shit from a rooftop – for better or for worse. If I care about you, I hope that there’s no doubt in your mind that I do. And if I don’t care about you, well… hahaha, then why are ya reading this, ya creeper? Peeking in on my life? Seeing how I’m doing? Right well, thanks for checking (and I know who you are, I check my stats. Just sayin’.)
Anyway! There are two things I’ve worked really hard at for the last year or two – letting go of toxic people, and more connection with people I care about.
Letting go of toxic people is surprisingly easy when you live in the middle of nowhere. Chances are they never, or at most rarely, came to visit, so all you need to do is turn down their “you’ll have to drive an hour” invitations a few times and pretty soon you’ve fallen off their radar. No narcissist is going to work to have a relationship.
Reconnecting with old friends is both easier and harder. I suffer from that type of “nobody’s going to remember me, I’m not really all that” personality, so I assume that if I’m not still in contact with someone, it’s because they’re off having an awesome life and yadda yadda yadda who ever thinks about me?
Earlier this year I reached out to a friend I’d lost contact with maybe 30 years ago. It was a big step for me because this person is pretty much the living embodiment of kick-ass cool-AF warrior woman, and me, well, I’m just a big ol’ dork. But I reached out and told her how much she’d meant to me at a time in my life and now it’s as if those 30 years haven’t passed and we are right back with each other as if we’d never lost touch. And through her I found another mutual friend, one I’d always regretted losing touch with, and now not only are we back in touch but he’s coming to our house for Christmas dinner and again, it’s like that time had not been spent apart. If there are three really good things that happened to me this year, reconnecting with them are two of those things. I love them both dearly and look forward to including each other in our lives again.
I guess the point I’m trying to make here is that if I sound like a big ol’ dork a lot of the time, it’s because if anything happens to you I don’t want to live with not having told you how important you were to me. And if anything happens to me, I don’t want you to have any questions about how I felt about you. As I said to a friend this week, when discussing the recent passing of another friend, right now I just want to put everyone I love on the floor and have us all snuggle together like a pile of puppies. I want to make sure everyone I care about, knows I care about them.
So, hey. I’m way over here, waving at you, and I think you’re just about the most awesome thing ever and I love you to pieces and I hope that I tell you that enough.