Well, that was a fun experiment

I don’t want to make it sound like I think I’m some super sexy beast, but hundreds of years years ago, before Husband #1 and between he and Husband #2, I did not lack for dates. But then x-years ago I had a lot less weight on me, a lot less gray hair, and a lot lower standards and less boundaries.

It occurs to me that the longer I’m widowed/single, the more I should be prepared if someone eventually asks me on a date. Prepared for what? I don’t know. Prepare to have feelings, prepare to feel guilty for moving on with my life, prepare to not slap him and scream “GET OVER IT!” a la Cher in Moonstruck (such a great movie, Olympia Dukakis’s side-eye is GOALS). Mostly by “prepare” I mean “feel out how I might feel.”

So I thought… what’s the best way to see if I’m ready to start dating, without actually asking anyone out or confusing or rejecting someone? Because I want to know how I’d feel, but I don’t want to hurt anyone or give anyone mixed messages. I just want to know if I feel ready, or if any unexpected and massive guilt of leaving Tim behind and moving on would cripple me.

I know! Online dating! I can see what’s out there, guy-wise, and see if I can actually picture myself having coffee or dinner or going to a dog park with someone. It’s just pictures and text, it’s not an actual person in front of me, so if I start crying, thinking about it…? If I feel like Tim’s family might think I’m forgetting him? If I worry that after only two years, going out with someone might … look bad? Or feel bad? It’s just pictures. I’m not turning down an actual human being standing right in front of me. I don’t have to worry about hurting or disappointing someone and I don’t have to worry if all I want to do is scamper off and hide. It’s win/win for me!

What I expected: to be horrified by the selection. What I got: saddened by the selection.

I also got… let me see if I can explain this… I got a sense of… I have it really good. I’m not missing anything in my life. I mean, you could say that I’m missing a hand to hold, and someone to take care of me when I’m sick, but (and I’m sorry, Tim) I didn’t have that when I was married, so why would I expect to get that while dating? (Tim was not a hand holder, and I can not count the times I got guilted to get up off the couch when sick, and make dinner.) But everything else….? There’s nothing I need right now that my life doesn’t already provide. Snuggles? I have all my animals. Coffee and breakfast dates? I have my friends. Lunches? Family and friends. Dinners? Family and friends. Deep conversations? My friends. Drinks? My couch and my animals. Fun weekends away? I have my friends.

My life is really, really good right now. I have a lot. My cup is full. I’m really kind of incredibly lucky, and I hope the universe sees how much I appreciate that!

I’ve read… I can’t even tell you… a few hundred profiles in the last week. A lot of them say that they’re looking for their best friend, their ride-or-die, someone to complete them. And that’s… that’s so sad to me. I mean, if it’s a line, it’s sad that they’re using it as such, and if they really don’t have anyone in their life they’re close to, that’s sad, too. But a lot of them also come out swinging, talking about how they’re not looking for a gold-digger or a scam artist or a woman who [ insert thing they don’t like here ]. Which is sad on a whole OTHER level in that if they’re saying that because they’ve been hurt, that’s sad, and if they’re saying that because they think they’re being honest and up-front, that’s sad in a whole other way.

Anyway. Tomorrow is one week on the dating site, and I’m probably deleting it tomorrow. I’ve learned what I wanted to learn – that I would not feel guilty for moving on from Tim should I go out on a date, but also, that I don’t feel a deep need to be dating. And I didn’t have to hurt anybody’s feelings in the process.