Newsletters. I just don’t get ’em.

Small business owner rant ahead:

Even though I don’t know a single human being who likes to get newsletters, I am constantly shouted at by business advisers to work that email list, gurl! WERK IT!!!! So I spent two hours yesterday, Sunday, a day when I could have been not doing jack shit, or throwing ceramics, or knitting, or reading… I spent two hours working on a newsletter.

My stats today look really good — Industry average for Arts & Artists is a 23% open rate, and I have a 30% open rate on this email and overall, a 44% open rate based on my newsletter history. Industry average for clicks is just under 3% (I shit you not, 2.9%!) and I have a click rate of 8% on this email and 15% overall.

But all I can focus on are the six people who have unsubscribed in the last 16 hours since I sent the newsletter out. Part of me is wondering… what did I do wrong? Was it my personal introduction? Was it my writing? I mean, I didn’t even drop a SINGLE F-bomb! I didn’t even put in a selfie of me in my new “Knit one, fuck you” t-shirt! Why are people unsubscribing? It’s an opt-in email, I don’t just randomly send it, you have to tell me you want it! Do you all suddenly not like ceramics, soap, and yarn? Do I smell bad? Is it my hair? I know my hair is crazy! You heard me thinking the f-bomb, didn’t you. Gah!

But part of me is all, jeeeeeez, I get it. If I hadn’t written the damn thing I wouldn’t have even opened it either. I hate newsletters, and delete most of them unopened — unless, like me, it is written by a small one-person business.

So, why does everyone who has business advice tell me that newsletters are the end-all be-all of business existence? That confetti will drop from the sky, my adult acne will clear up, and people will throw bags of money at me if I send out emails monthly! Better yet, weekly! ONCE A WEEK! INBOX THAT SHIT!

Sigh. My head hurts and I am cranky. Perhaps some ice cream might be in order with my lunch. For my lunch.

8 thoughts on “Newsletters. I just don’t get ’em.

  1. First, and most importantly, ALL THE YESES to the ice cream. Seriously, go ahead. Read the rest of my comment later.

    Back? Okay. I go through stages when I want to declutter my life, and that means I unsubscribe from a bunch of e-mails. It doesn’t mean I don’t like the company or the product or the writing. It just means I feel overwhelmed by my life and an inbox with less new messages helps. My guess is the unsubscribes had very little if anything to do with you.

    1. Would you believe I’ve been eating ice cream the last ten days? Constantly. I finally stopped, to answer comments. HAHAHAH. Also now I can’t fit through the door in my house. LOL.

      My heart totally knows the unsubscribes have nothing to do with me. I totes grok decluttering, and good lord, EMAILS. I unsubscribe from almost everything every six months, and then six months later wonder where all these emails are coming from and unsubscribe again. Especially places (Old Navy) that email me a couple of times a day to tell me the countdown to the end of their sale. Good lord.

      But my HEAD says “you are a useless maker with nothing to offer and people are unsubscribing in droves because you talked about cats in your newsletter!”. Stupid head.

  2. lol you and I need to have breakfast and discuss newsletters. I have opinions.

    Also, I read your damn newsletter. Every word — which is weird because I never read newsletters. hahaha

    1. You’re just afraid I’ll be over at your house and will start quizzing you about my newsletter, hahahaha!

      But let’s have breakfast anyway. I have opinions, too, mostly centered around “your newsletter just offer value and/or solve a problem for your readers”. It’s hard to, like, send someone a free mug via email. Sigh. Maybe I need to learn how to draw coloring pages…. those are hot right now.

  3. What Bonnie said. I can’t stand my inbox full of emails TO WHICH I SUBSCRIBED but never read. And yes, yours is the only one I ever read.
    Mostly because you’re high-larious, and also because I love you.

    1. Some newsletters fill me with guilt if I don’t read them (if they are by people like myself, one-person companies trying to make their small voices heard) but most of my emails lately have been from Amazon and ThinkGeek and yarn companies telling me of sales and/or new stock, and really, Amazon, do I *need* three emails a day?

      PS. I love you too!

  4. I’ve had people tell me they’ve unsubscribed cause they’re on a yarn diet and can’t resist otherwise. Mostly, people who unsubscibe from me have never bought anything (yes, I cross check obsessively cause I’m a giant insecure nerd).

    I love your newsletter–but apparently my email hates it. I think I’ve subscribed at least 12 times already, and I never seem to get it O_o

    1. Huh, I never thought to check the history of the people who unsubscribe. I do get a notification from Mailchimp about the email address, and usually they don’t look familiar.

      I will double-check later in Mailchimp and try to find out why you’re not getting it!

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