So tired of brain fog and overwhelm

You know, for someone who was going to lessen and curate her news intake, I sure do spend a lot of time with news headlines being shoved into my eyeballs. It doesn’t help that I’m on or near a computer or my phone about a third of the day, and headlines pop up on those places like dandelions. I’m still trying to only read daily recaps by Connie Willis (Facebook) and Heather Cox Richardson (Substack) but that doesn’t mean I don’t see headlines every time I turn around. I’m so sick about every single one of them I see. I waffle daily – multiple times a day – between “how is this happening” and “I should do more” and “I’m already doing everything I have time and energy to do” and “maybe this is all a bad dream” and “how did we get here” and “absolutely positively fuck everyone who wasted their vote on a third party or didn’t vote at all” and “there are enough people rising up, surely we can put a stop to this or at least turn things around” and “if we even survive as a democratic nation to vote him out in 2028, as a country we might never, ever recover from this” and “I am so, so, so, so tired.”

Everyone I know is tired, or angry, or frightened, or falling into depression, or all of the above. Not that I know a gazillion people but I don’t know a single one who is OK with how things are going. Even though I do know a couple of people who voted for him, I don’t know anyone who’s still actively cheering for him at this point. Not that THAT does my heart any good, really… we’re still going to Hell in a handbasket.

But still, I know that joy, love, peace, compassion, and acts that strengthen community are valuable, radical acts of resistance. So I’m trying not to spend all day hiding under my desk playing mind-numbing match games on my phone.

Sometimes I wish I could find out what Tim would have thought about this. He died in early 2022 so while he saw the January 6th … event … … you know, I don’t think we ever even talked about it. I tried not to bring politics up around him. But I am curious what he would have thought of P25, and the rapid unscheduled disassembly of our Government. He was a Republican (I know, I know; we were a mixed marriage), and … well, he thought that as a (multiple failed) businessman with no governmental or legal experience, that What’s-his-Face wasn’t a great choice. I wonder how he’d feel about that … now. * gestures to everything going on *

I don’t know if it’s because I’m feeling so overwhelmed with everything around me, or that I’m spending so much mental energy trying to keep at least a waist-high wall between me and everything that’s going on… but I’m exhausted, and have the worst ongoing case of brain fog ever. Where did I put that thing? What was I working on? Oh, I can’t work on this until I move this, and to move this I have to find a place to put it, so I have to clean off that thing over there, and… what was I doing? Did I feed the cats today? Who knows! Better feed ’em again just in case! Did I feed myself today? Who knows! I don’t feel hungry enough to feed myself (possibly again) but I don’t remember eating. Wait, how long have those dirty dishes been there? Did I actually eat something? Or are those from yesterday? Who knows!

And I can’t seem to focus on anything for more than about ten minutes. Couple that with coming down hard on myself for what I’m not doing? FUN TIMES.

I should be making ceramics, dyeing new yarn, looking into new laser cut things. But why? Sales are awful. The last three times I’ve done my quarterly sales tax, I’ve had to do a Credit Carryforward and nothing gives me the heebie jeebies like on purpose figuring my sales tax incorrectly even when I’m following the instructions given to me by the people who could show up at my door with Questons. If people aren’t buying things (which I totally get, I completely understand, I’m not trying to guilt anyone – our economy is in fucking freefall right now, so I don’t blame anyone) then why should I be so stressed out about making things on a timeline?

I should be writing for Patreon. But why? I never get any feedback on the fiction. I’m not saying people need to fawn over it, but … well, for example, a few months ago I was talking with someone who follows me on Patreon, and we were talking with some other people about what Patreon is and how it works. This person was saying how great my writing is, how they love it, we were talking about the book, and then it turned out they had absolutely no knowledge of the OTHER book I had written twelve chapters of – twelve months, a whole year of writing. Never even looked at it. Didn’t even know it was there. People are busy, I get it! Shit, I hardly have time to read the posts by the people I support on Patreon! But a little hit of the “like” button or any kind of question about anything in the story, or an “I only had time to read the first couple of paragraphs but I can’t wait to have time to get back to this!” would go a long way to making me feel seen, and making me feel less likely to shrug off a late due-date. On the other hand, maybe I should write as much as my checklists says I should, plus about half again, and plug my Patreon more often. If people aren’t buying ceramics, maybe they’ll buy words?

One thing I’d been putting off for a LONG while that I finally just did, so I’d stop yelling at myself about it and/or feeling guilty for not doing it, is get the paperwork I needed to send to Wells Fargo to start the process of transferring the mortgage to my name so that I can pay it off (whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Tim, whyyyyyyyyyyyyy did you take my name off the mortgage, me still being on it would have made all of this SO FUCKING MUCH EASIER). It meant a day of driving around the Orange Park/Green Cove Springs area, and another day of digging through boxes here at the house and copying things, and I absolutely hated ever second of it. Every minute felt like an hour. But I finally got it done, and the package mailed off, and now I’m just waiting to hear back.

I’m still not done with Lesley’s things, but I’ve had a couple of crossed wires with her roommate. I do have all of her purses here at my house now, and my plan (when I have time HAHAHAHAHA) is to photograph them all, list them on my website, and sell them for like $10-15 each, with all the money after Shopify percentages are taken out, going to Haven Hospice in Lesley’s name.

But then doing that reminds me that about a year ago, a friend’s husband passed on my friend’s crochet supplies/stash to me after she passed away. That pile of things – mostly yarn, but also some other crafting things – is in a corner of my studio that I desperately need….

… it’s really turned into a Doom Corner there, and I need to get to some things that I can’t get to right now. Yes; her supplies really are all of those bins, the box on the bottom, the two tall red boxes in back, and everything that’s on top (plus a bin that’s too large and heavy for me to move that is full of vintage crochet patterns). If I’m going to take care of Lesley’s things, shouldn’t I also take care of Teena’s? Get it all done at once, maybe do the same thing with her crochet supplies that I plan to do with Lesley’s purses? But also… looking at that big pile… looking at the pile of purses… I can’t help but feel tired and overwhelmed.

I was talking recently with someone for whom I am the executor of their will, and they flat out said “when I die, I don’t want you to go through all of my things. I want you to call one of those estate sale places and get them to come in, label everything, and sell it all. I am NOT leaving you with a bunch of shit to go through.”

Speaking of not reading things, this post is about 1500 words, and that’s my cut-off point for torturing my readers, haha. Plus, I have to leave the house in a few and go meet friends for dinner.

Stay Fresh, Cheese Bags.