Could I maybe not be tired, for just a little bit, please?

I was prepared for the anger that comes with grief. For the sadness. For the depression. For the confusion. OK, maybe not as much confusion as I’ve had, but I was prepared for *some*. Know what I wasn’t prepared for? Constantly being fucking exhausted.

Not sleepy, mind you, but… tired. Tired in my bones. It’s 8 PM and it’s the third night in a week I’m wondering if 8 PM is too early to go to bed. Not that I’m sleepy, I’m just… I’ve tried to watch a little TV, it’s boring. I’ve tried to read, I can’t concentrate. I’ve tried listening to a podcast and playing my stupid farm game and that seems to be the most fun out of all the things I’ve tried doing this evening. But mostly I just want to sit on the couch with the dog (am I allowed to sit on the couch without her? Tim would hate how I let her sit on the couch. But she’s such a snugglebug!) and stare off into space. I just don’t have the energy to do anything, even though the list of things I have that need doing are laughably long.

So I decided to do a little research, because I’m like… damn, this being tired if I do one or two things in the day is … seriously getting old. I mean, I know, I worked too hard before. I could stand to slow down. But being ready to end my day by about 3 in the afternoon? COME ON, BODY! AT LEAST HOLD OUT UNTIL CLOSER TO DINNER!

Research, unfortunately, tells me that exhaustion is part of the process, yay. There’s no timeline, it can come and go. It happens because all the emotions you’re feeling take energy, all the practical things you have to attend to take energy, and the crisis fatigue you can crash into after the initial rush of stress hormones takes energy. All of this can make it difficult to continue to do even the most mundane, every-day activities.

How to combat it? Same as everything else, it seems; try to keep to a schedule, take breaks during the day while working, take care of yourself, reach out to friends or professionals. Awesome. That’s just great. That’s like saying “just learn to relax” in its level of unhelpfulness. I say unhelpful because I’m already doing those things so… why am I still so tired? On the other hand, if I weren’t doing those things… would I be even MORE tired?

Thanks, Universe, for making sure that I slow down, I guess I didn’t take a subtle hint so I need a big one, like just having zero energy? I mean, I feel … I hesitate to say “good” but I don’t feel BAD, for sure. Yes, things are hard. But they’re not unbearable. I’m not fighting depression. I can get out of bed, it’s not like I’m trying to find a will to carry on or anything dark like that. I’m just so tired by the middle of the day! Maybe I need to start taking naps? With the dog? She probably sleeps about 16 hours a day and she’s the most ridiculously happy thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Is it the naps?

My life is good, it really is. It’s almost unfairly good. I have supportive friends and sweet pets and good family and creative outlets and enough food and a roof over my head and a car that runs — I have a lot, a LOT, to be grateful for. I’m just so flipping TIRED all the time.