All this aggravation ain’t satisfactioning me

Boy howdy, I do not know WHERE my motivation has gone to, but it surely has packed its bags and moved on to someone else, because it is nowhere to be found in my days right now.

There are a million things I could be, should be doing right now, and instead I’m looking around at the mess that is my desk right now and wondering what’s in that pile, and what’s in that stack over there, and did I ever send that thing off? Do I, you ask, have the motivation to CLEAN OFF MY DESK? Hahahaha. Not at all. Well. Motivation? Maybe that’s not the right word. More like…. concentration. Do I have the ability to concentrate long enough to clean off my desk? Hells no. I don’t have the ability these days to concentrate long enough to OH LOOK A CHICKEN.

What was I talking about?

I should be writing (fiction, not blogging). But my desk is really messy. I should clean it off, maybe then I could concentrate. Oh but this pile of stuff is the end of last year’s receipts. I should file them, and then box up 2018, so I can start filing 2019. But I haven’t finished entering everything for 2018 yet so maybe I should do that first, in case I need to double-check any of this info. But I don’t have room on the desk to spread everything out. Maybe I could take this pile of stuff and put it on my “clean work” table in the studio, just for a day or two. Oh, but that table is full of soap that needs to be wrapped. So maybe I should wrap that before I move this stack of stuff. Oh, but I have to print out labels first. Where’s my list? Oh, it’s in my planner. Oh, I haven’t set up my pages for next week yet, how am I supposed to know what to do? I should set those pages up so I can accurately plan out my week and all the tasks I need to do, so I don’t forget anything. I seem to be forgetting a lot lately.

So, where was I? Right. I was going to set up the pages in my planner for next week, so I don’t forget what I need to do. But I really should be writing. ** sits at desk ** Good lord my desk is a mess. Anyway… where was I? Writing! Laptop! Oh, my email is on my laptop. I haven’t taken care of email in a couple of days. 268 unread messages. I should at least sort through those and see if any of them were anything I needed to answer right away. Oh, that one says my Instagram photos aren’t posting via Hootsuite, and I need to fix that. Again? I fixed it three times yesterday! Dammit. OK, logging onto Hootsuite and fixing that. But I’m thirsty. Have I had enough water today? I haven’t been treating Lefty well lately, I should go get some water out of the fridge. Oh! The fridge! Kale! I need to feed the tortoises! I should do that while it’s warm in the middle of the day, that’s a natural time for them to eat. Oh, but the cat is asleep on top of the cage, so I need to move it before I can take the lid off. Where can I put the lid? Ugh, the cats knocked a bunch of stuff over where I usually set the lid. Well, I need to clean that up before I take the lid off.

AND SO ON.

Is it me? Is it my broken brain? Is it the last few months finally catching up to me? Is Mercury in retrograde again? Is it stress? The last few weeks months I have had a lot on my plate. Is it having been sick for most of January after working really hard in November and December and my brain is just done like dinner? And the death of three friends since Christmas? And not being able to save that dog last week? And, and, and? I mean, I’ve even been trying to make better food choices and exercise more, lately! But my brain feels more stupid the better I take care of myself – and tell me just what the heck is up with that?! Imma go back to drinking soda and eating chocolate all day if not being able to concentrate is the price of walking two or three miles a day and eating lots of vegetables! Criminy!

I can’t even concentrate long enough in the evenings to knit any more. By the time I get back over to the house in the evening to make dinner, I hardly have the energy to cook it… let alone think about complicated cabled patterns and counting stitches. All I want to do lately is find a cat or a dog and a couch and just snuggle and nap. AND Y’ALL KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE NAPS, DO NOT MAKE ME WAKE UP MORE THAN ONCE A DAY, ONCE IS ENOUGH.

Anyway. I’m aggravated with myself. I pick up my knitting and I want to be playing my stupid farming game. I play my stupid farming game and I want to be reading. I pick up a book and I can’t concentrate to read more than a paragraph. I want to work on ceramics but instead I plan the day around wrapping soap. I go to wrap soap and all I can think of is the yarn that needs to be dyed. I go to get the yarn ready to dye and get sidetracked by handbuilding a few plates “just real quick”. I feel like I’m turning into one of my cats. If I’m inside, I want to be outside. If I’m outside, I want to be inside. What the actual heck, y’all.

I need a nap.