so, this sucks.

i’m going to apologize first for lack of capital letters in this post. it’s hard to reach the shift key. well, all the keys, really, on the left side. i just wrote a blog post for work with good punctuation and my hand is getting tired.

i go in for hand surgery monday morning. ungodly o’clock, but i didn’t want to spend the day worrying about it, and also wanted to get the surgical team before they were all tired from their day.

i’ve never had this kind of surgery before. i had a quarter removed from my throat where it got stuck when i tried to swallow it when i was nine. i’ve had teeth pulled – wisdom teeth, and a root canal.

i’m scared to get it done. what if something goes wrong? what if i have a weird allergic reaction to something? what if this doesn’t fix my finger? what if even with the surgery i lose mobility?

i’m scared not to get it done. then i really would lose mobility.

i keep thinking how much worse it could have been. an outside fracture. losing the whole finger. larger damage to the hand as a whole.

i have this thing sometimes, a compression in my back that makes the last two fingers in my hand tingle, go to sleep, when i sit or lay in a position that puts pressure on a certain point in my back. that’s what it feels like sometimes in this splint; like they’ve gone to sleep. i keep trying to move them in the splint to make sure i haven’t totally lost feeling… then i usually wind up in pain because i move the ring finger and it hurts.

i worry that this will happen again. i worry about the dogs fighting so much. i wonder if we should put corwin on doggy valium.

i’m worried about haldecraft. i was just starting to get to the point i could replace sold-out things, and was looking forward to making new things. now i don’t know when i’ll be able to make anything. weeks? months? should i bow out of the fiber-in, in september? should i not have an aug-nov yarn club? I was days away from painting my office studio so that tim could put the flooring in! i have two new soaps i haven’t listed because it’s too frustrating to type a description, and i have about 12 fragrances restocked that i haven’t mentioned for the same reason.

i’m worried about moving. we still haven’t finished moving out of the gainesville house. a lot of the stuff still there are heavy molds. now i can’t help move them, i’d need both hands for the heavy things. not to mention renovations. ugh.

i can hardly shower. i can’t do dishes, i have to keep one hand dry. i haven’t tried laundry yet but should get to that this afternoon.

i have a couple of friends coming to help me next week, to get yarn club out. and maybe help me with dishes. and maybe paint my studio office. my friends are amazing.

i’m tired. i’m cranky. i’m hurty. everything that’s ever thought about hurting, hurts now. unless it’s something i can’t reach, and in that case, it itches. i have to keep looking at the splint to check that my ring and pinky finger are straight because sometimes they feel, and i get convinced that they are, curled or even bent in an (even more) unnatural way. i feel like a slug because i can’t work hard. i can’t even knit! blargh.

and i have three family birthdays coming up next week that i know i’m going to miss/forget about because surgery brain.

ugh. this too shall pass, but… i’m starting to think someone has put a curse on me – it’s been nothing but bad luck/hard work/things going wrong for *months* now.