Ruminations on Self-Employment: Staying Upbeat… or, not.

One of my old Regional Managers, back when I worked at a Big Box Bookstore, used to say that “energy comes from the top.” Meaning, the cashiers aren’t going to be happy unless the department heads are happy, the department heads aren’t happy unless the assistant managers are happy, and the assistant managers aren’t going to be happy unless the manager is happy. So the manager better damn well put on a smiley face no matter what, because they’re where the energy of the other employees comes from.

I’m a pretty upbeat person, which is funny when you think about how high-strung I am, and how I worry about everything. But I tend to leap from defeat to new idea with no real lack of enthusiasm, and I try not to spend a lot of time whining about shit unless I can somehow make it funny, because in another life I’m a stand-up comedian.

But the last couple weeks have hit me with challenges that have just up and wrecked my head. I’m not saying that I need a red carpet rolled out for me for every single thing that I do. I’m pretty self-sufficient, I don’t need a whole lot of back-patting. But I’ve done some real time-consuming things in the last couple of weeks and instead of “that’s great!” all I’m really hearing is either complaints or crickets. I’m not just talking work, I’m talking home as well – when you work at home sometimes it’s hard to separate the two, especially when it’s something like pet care, that goes on 24/7 no matter what. Those dogs don’t care that I’m in the middle of dyeing yarn and can’t take them outside (because they can’t go outside unsupervised right now, which is something I haven’t even had time to blog about). My work schedule, which granted usually does suffer from a lot of bouncing around, is so disjointed right now that I can’t even brain. I am just so fucking sick of this week that it’s a good thing I can’t afford a tank of gas, because I’d fucking slip out in the middle of the night and go to Mexico.

Do you know what I really, really want this week? I want my daddy. I want my daddy to drop everything and come over and fix shit around the house that is broken. I want my daddy to tell me he’s proud of me and he knows it’s hard but that I’m doing the right thing. I want to hear daddy and Bill laugh-arguing over beer and the best way to fix the fence. I want to hold a towel for my daddy while he caulks the loose toilet. I want the cat to stop peeing in the dog crate and I want the dog to quit jumping the fence and I wish that I had screens on the windows in my office so that when the weather cools down I could open them higher than the height of a cat’s head. I wish I knew what was wrong with the electricity in my dye bar that has caused me to no longer be able to fire all four crock pots without tripping the breaker, which means yarn production is down 25% from what it was a month ago — or it takes 25% longer, however the math works on going from four to three. I want to be able to run the AC when I’m dyeing yarn so that I stop losing all the soap I just made that I haven’t had time to wrap yet to this never-ending humidity. I want to know how the universe knows that I’m about to take a day off to catch up on cleaning my office and instead hands me six things that all need to be done at once. I want this week to be over and I want a vacation and how soon are Sharon and I going to West Virginia? And do I have to come home?

And I know that “this too shall pass” and next week will not be as hard (or else I’ll be in jail for murder or for running down the middle of the street naked and screaming obscenities) but some weeks it is just harder than others staying motivated. A good night’s sleep can usually cure a lot of ills, as can a good cup of coffee (or better yet, a good cup of coffee after a good night’s sleep!) and stepping away and not looking at things for a day can help. Bitching about things helps, too; letting off steam. If the dogs were good listeners they’d be hearing this instead of y’all. If I had a co-worker, we could at least lean on each other. Of course, if I had a co-worker then I also couldn’t just do what I wanted, whenever, however I wanted…. so, it’s a trade-off. And like I said — normally, I am pretty positive and upbeat. But y’all, this week is just grinding me down into a little nub.