Did you get the number of that bus?

OK, I admit it. Part of this was my fault.

A little over a year ago, I started getting notices that my hosting service was phasing out standard hosting and going with cloud hosting. In order to change everything over you had to…
– sign up for cloud hosting
– download everything from standard hosting
– upload it to cloud hosting
– cancel your standard hosting blog

What they don’t tell you is Step Five, which is Hope for the Fucking Best, because I have some sort of mental block about being able to do those kinds of things myself. I want to be the kind of girl who knows her way around tech things but there is something about written tutorials that just makes my brain cower with the same fear I have of word problems in math. I can follow along for so long but the very minute that something goes wrong… AND IT DOES… I start flailing around like a blind epileptic and you’d better hope I don’t hit the “DELETE THE INTERNET” button because the chances are great that I will.

Oh, hey! Apparently I mentioned this was going to happen, and then someone took pity on me and helped me, and then I thought we were done.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I started to suspect that there might be a stage Frank left out. The big clue was that when I went to update WordPress the next time, the database link and password for the cloud hosting didn’t work… but the ones for the standard hosting did. And I sort of knew. I knew it would be a drama, that I would mess it up and get completely fussed, and that the people at my hosting company wouldn’t do much more than send me links to all the online tutorials they had. Tutorials that I had already found online and tried to use but couldn’t because the password to the cloud hosting wouldn’t work. And it was summer, and I was busy, and who the fuck wanted to deal with it? NOT ME.

Well, they kept sending threatening emails that THE END OF STANDARD HOSTING IS EXTREMELY FUCKING NIGH and finally I decided it had best be taken care of, so I didn’t lose the last year of posts. I mean, I downloaded backups of WordPress so I could always upload them into a new version of WordPress, but… BLARGH.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand, it went about as well as I thought it would.

ME: I need help doing this thing. I can do so much but then I’m gonna really fuck it up, and it would save both of us a lot of time and frustration if you could just fix it for me.
THEM: Here’s your link!
ME: Yeah. I tried that. Here’s the deal – I couldn’t get it to work. I need help doing this thing. I can do so much but then I’m gonna really fuck it up, and it would save both of us a lot of time and frustration if you could just fix it for me.
THEM: Here’s your link!
ME: PLEASE HELP ME!
THEM: HERE’S YOUR LINK!

So that went well.

It ended up that I bitched about it on G+, and my friend Craig – who was not only home sick but had a sick child at home as well – wound up giving me two hours of better over-the-phone technical support than I’ve ever gotten. I wish I could box him up and give him out to anyone who has ever been made to feel stupid by tech support, because he was AWESOME. Like a hundred billion hot dogs. And while we hit a snag and he couldn’t fix what was happening, he gave me the right words to say to the tech support to get them to make website go.

ME: Hi, I emailed earlier and wasn’t able to do things, and you didn’t help me. So my friend who is HOME SICK helped me better. But we couldn’t fix this. Here’s the list of things we did, what we fixed, and what is still broken. Please fix what needs fixing and then test the settings.
THEM: Here’s your link!
ME: Maybe you didn’t hear me. We did that, it didn’t work, just make it fucking right, how hard is it to do your job?
THEM: Fine. Here’s your fucking website. We’re not testing the settings, shut up and leave us alone.
ME: BRAIN! EXPLODING!

OK, they weren’t that rude, but they were pretty dismissive and not at all concerned that someone else was doing their job.

So of course I FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT this morning when I logged on and couldn’t get to anything other than a “yeah, this is not the database you are trying to find; move along, move along” message this morning. I hoped something was right because I was still getting email… but nothing for the website. Not even a flatline. Just a … an empty wilderness of error.

Which Craig fixed in, like, two minutes.

ALL HAIL CRAIG. I wonder if he would let me pay him $8/month to be hosted out of his brain. Also, I hear he likes chocolate chip cookies and Bay Rum soap, so guess who’s getting a thank-you gift next week?!?!?

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