Objects in motion tend to stay in motion

This is not a complaining post; I am not bitching about my job or how much I work, I am merely thinking out loud on the nature of taking care of oneself in times of hard work. Please don’t offer me advice on how to do this better.

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I can’t tell you all how tired I am right now. Hrm. No, “tired” isn’t the right word. “Drained” is the right word. It’s not that I want to go back to sleep; it’s that I want to curl up under the desk, rock back and forth and chew on my hand, and just think of nothing.

Working without Sharon for the last ten days has been ... not as bad as I was afraid it would be. Ginger has been coming in after she gets off work and closing the shop, so I’m only working from about 9:30 to 6:30 (not counting things I do at home, for work, which is another hour or two). And the loveliest people have dropped by the shop to see if I need anything; food, drink, bathroom break, company. So overall it hasn’t been bad. But it has been draining. Does that make sense? From the minute I open the door at 10 until I leave, I’m never not *on*. On my best behavior. On my feet. On my toes to make sure that everyone in the shop is getting service and attention. On my guard to make sure that if I’m on the phone with a vendor, that if anyone comes in the shop they still feel attended to regardless of how long it takes me on the phone. And, I’m doing it! I’m not getting cranky with people who don’t deserve my wrath. I’m not closing the store early or opening late just because I can. I’m getting things done (albeit taking me six times longer). So I’m doing it. I feel like everything is under control and that Sharon isn’t going to come home to a shitstorm at the store. Maybe a messy desk, sure; but the place hasn’t burned down and there haven’t been any customer complaints. And I even got some yarn ordered.

But here’s the thing… am I getting everything done at work, at the expense of other things? Do my friends remember what I look like? Does my husband? The best quality time that Tim and I have had in the last ten days is when he came by the shop on Saturday and replaced some light bulbs (thank you sweetie! You rock! All hail Tim the Tall, for even standing on the stool I am six inches too short to change the bulbs!). With the exception of a wonderful acupuncture appointment last Wednesday (thank you, Miss Jenn!) I haven’t seen any of my friends unless they’ve stopped by the shop. Uhm, not that that’s so unusual for me in the last six months anyway...! Is this “being squirrelly” because I’m so brain dead? Or on some level is it self-preservation, to keep me from becoming more brain-dead by giving me forced recharge time at home? Because that’s really more like what it feels like. It feels like the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas when I was managing a certain bookstore. I knew that 100% of my energy was going to be put into working 60 hour weeks, so I didn’t expend myself in other directions (hobbies, social life, etc.). It feels like when Sharon and I worked at the other bookstore, and we were all working 15 hour days during Rush and Buy-back weeks. You know you’re going to do it so you let everything else slide for a time. Laundry, cat boxes, dusting will all still be there when you get back. So devote yourself to the task at hand and when it’s done, move along back to your routine.

So I’m brain-dead. And yet, I feel good. Positive. Upbeat. Even if Tim asks me to choose a show to watch and I just stare at him and blink because all of my decision-making power has been used at work; the battery of my brain is drained down to zero.

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