My food issues: let me show you them

This’ll be a long one—I have much here about food, food allergies, and Weight Watchers. Feel free to ignore if (1) you don’t care or (2) you don’t have anything constructive to say as I’m very touchy about this subject right now.

This may seem rambly, but trust me, I have a point. Towards the end. I’ll tell you when.

Allergies

Here, I’ll just copy and paste from an email I sent to family members a couple of weeks ago:

I’ve been trying to write this email for about two or three weeks now, and every time I sit down to do it I just get too depressed to even think about it. These food allergies are almost completely, 100%, changing how and what I eat. For a week or so I considered going completely vegan, like our friend Antony; but there are two problems with that. (1) is that doing so would not be fair to Tim, who has already seen a decrease in the amount of pot roast he’s eaten since marrying me and (2) I love, love, love, love cheese. So instead I have slowly over the last month been bringing meat back into my diet (first bacon, then steak, and next up is hamburgers—I’ll probably never pick pork chops, veal, or hot dogs back up… there’s only so much I can take…) because even though I don’t really like it, I’m not allergic to it. Food I’m not allergic to seems to be in short supply these days, so I guess I shouldn’t refuse it.

Things I have been tested for and am definitely NOT allergic to:
Cows milk (good news for bartenders who don’t understand that I said Cosmo!)
Coffee
Chocolate
Tuna
Clam
Shrimp
Salmon
Crab
Lobster
Oyster
Scallops
Onions (not that I like them; they are evil, you can tell by their horrible taste)
Pineapple

Things I have been tested for and AM DEFINITELY allergic to:
Chicken
Turkey
Eggs*
Bass
Catfish (Breaks. My. Heart.)
Trout (if I had a heart left to break after catfish, this would crush me; trout, catfish, and mullet are the holy trinity of fish for me)
Flounder
Feathers (people eat feathers…?)

The bad news about these food allergies is that I also can’t eat things that have been cooked on the same surface as these things. For example; Harry’s Bar & Grill has a great seared Ahi Tuna, which I love. But they sear it on the same grill where they also grill their flounder, catfish, and trout. Therefore I have an allergic reaction when I eat the seared Ahi Tuna, because it has been contaminated by the other fish that hates me. I can’t tell you how much I am ashamed to be becoming “that person”, the one who always asks how the food is prepared, has to ask for a small corner of the grill untouched by whatever, has to ask that her food be prepared differently. I would punch myself in the teeth if I could, in order to avoid becoming that person! Gah!

*The weird news about eggs is that there seems to be some magic ratio of when I can have eggs. For example, quiche is out. But something that has a few eggs in it, and is thoroughly cooked, like cake, or pasta, or bread, is fine. So I can still eat macaroni and cheese, or sandwiches, or cupcakes. But (you knew there had to be a “but”, right?) I can’t have a fish that I’m not allergic to dipped in an egg batter and fried, because (ask me how I know) I will have an allergic reaction to that—apparently that’s too much egg.

I do have an epi pen with which to shoot myself should I have an allergic reaction so severe that my airway starts to close. Don’t get me started on complaining about that, because I’m allergic to the dang epi pen, too! What can I say? I like to go all out, if I’m going to be difficult at all. I also carry Benadryl with me everywhere now, as my allergist assures me that popping two of them at the merest hint of an allergic reaction should be enough to not have to shoot myself with the epi pen.

Please feel free to ask me any questions, make me cook for myself, or throw small vegetables at me. Just don’t throw catfish or trout at me; I’ll cry.

Other random things about food allergies

While I’m not allergic to fruit, my allergist tells me that because of my pollen allergies, if the fruit is grown near plants that have pollen I’m allergic to (ragweed, live oak, pecan pollen – but not pecan nuts) that the pollen can contaminate that fruit. I can still eat that fruit but may have an oral reaction to that. This makes me want to bang my head against a brick wall, and scream “what the fucking fuck!” at the top of my lungs. So… I’m not allergic to the food, but I’m allergic to the tree next to the food?!?!?!? OMGWTFBBQ!

The “good” news about that is she says an allergic reaction to that won’t be nearly as severe as, say, eating a chicken/trout quiche. The “bad” news is that reactions can be intensified during times of stress in my life. GOOD THING I’M NEVER STRESSED.

Weight Watchers

Not to put any guilt on (a) my friends who moved away, or (b) my husband, but WW was a lot easier to follow when (a) you lived here and (b) were doing it with me!

According not just to Weight Watchers, but also my doctor, I should weigh anywhere between 120-150 pounds (height, BMI, etc, taken into account). A 30-pound range is a little more than I wanted to choose from, so I set my WW goal weight at 144; partly because I am lazy and doubted by ability to get to 130-140, partly because I think 120-130 would be too thin, and partly because that seemed an attainable goal for me. Right now I am at 148 (I have been as low as 138, and my starting weight was 178, and I can’t believe how honest I’m being here on the interwebs!) and my BMI is 25. This puts me at the top edge of where I’m happy being… so if I could reset my goal weight and get – and stay - to around 140 with a BMI of 23, that would put a smile back on my face.

This has nothing to do with how I LOOK. This has to do with how I FEEL. And I’m not talking about how I feel emotionally; I’m talking about how I feel physically. I’m talking about aches and pains, being short of breath, tiring easily. You can chalk some of that up to asthma, and some of it up to getting older; but what that all boils down to is not taking care of myself. I would be fine weighing 400 pounds, if I felt great at the same time. Women, we are all beautiful in all of our shapes and sizes. But here, I’m talking about my health.

For those not familiar with Weight Watchers, it is less of a “diet” and more of a “learning more effective ways of eating”. How to improve your eating habits. I go by the point system, which means that I have 22 points a day to spend on food. Think of them as dollars if that helps. I can spend those points on anything I want—WW is not about telling you what you can’t eat, it’s about telling you how to better budget what you are eating. For example, a bowl of macaroni and cheese is six points. A beer is five points. So if I have seconds of mac&chee? That takes care of most of my points for the day. Not so good on the “budgeting” bit.

Plus, I’m the world’s pickiest eater

I don’t like… onions (raw or cooked), large chunks of pepper (raw or cooked), things with a tacky and/or sticky texture (melted ice cream, yogurt, shakes, pudding, crème brulee – whether I’ve spelled it correctly or not, Vienna sausages, etc.), overcooked vegetables (as in a stew or soup) (I do, however, love most vegetables raw or steamed), jellies and jams, veal, syrups (note to Canadian friends, please keep sending maple syrup, I can cook it into candy, kthx), custardy things. I also am highly wary of things that are made of food that I can’t easily identify such as tempura’d vegetables, most thick soups (which are made with allergy-inducing chicken stock anyway), hot dogs. I don’t like most condiments (if I eat a cheese sandwich, I have just the bread, and the cheese. Stop looking at me like that). The only close-to-liquid thing I want near my bread is either honey with my peanut butter, or melted cheese.

Are you all surprised that I want to lose weight at all? It’s amazing that I weigh anything, since there are about three things that I will eat.

When allergies and Weight Watcher’s recipes compete

Hey, you want to hear a joke? Guess what most of the WW recipes that I can easily put my hands on call for? If you guessed chicken and turkey, YOU’D SO BE RIGHT! Apparently chicken and turkey are low point value foods. So are trout and flounder. OF WHICH I AM ALLERGIC TO. Sigh. I hate ending sentences with a preposition. Ooo! OF WHICH I AM ALLERGIC TO, MOTHERFUCKER! Hey. Channeling a little Samuel Jackson will bring a smile every time.

So. I found some soup and pot roast recipes that look interesting. Not great, but … edible. I mean, I don’t have to eat the overcooked vegetables, right? I can steam some separately. But guess what the broth base is? CHICKEN.

And if it isn’t made with chicken, turkey, or flounder… than it’s probably covered with peppers. I hate my taste buds, sometimes. I wish I could make myself like things. I try, you know, every once and a while. I tried something with onions the other week. Big honking piece of onion. It almost made me gag. I just can’t do it. I can’t make myself, even if I want to. My body, she hates me sometimes!

Emotional Blarg

Nowadays I practically cry my way through the frozen dinner section of the grocery store when I need to pick something out to microwave for lunch. The chicken and turkey meals are the ones that come with the best-looking vegetables. Microwaved meals, I don’t care how you try to sell them to me, never look or taste as good as they look on the box; so when I see a beef meal with vegetables that already look gross? I’m not buying it. Nor am I buying it when the vegetables are a pepper-and-onion stir fry. No wonder I eat a lot of Pringles and cottage cheese for lunch. Even with a plum, or some kiwi, that’s still not the healthiest choice I could make for lunch. Peanut butter and honey sammiches also save my proverbial bacon. Last week I had some roast beef sandwiches which weren’t terribly torturous.

It seems a little unfair that the things that I both like to eat and am not allergic to (potatoes, cheese, pasta) are also high in WW points. Part of me thinks I should abandon the whole WW thing while I’m exploring new ways to eat. Part of me thinks that during a food crisis is maybe not the best time for me to abandon an entire support system that revolves around food. Part of me wants to learn to photosynthesize, so that I don’t have to think about food at all.

Even though I did not switch to vegetarianism twenty years ago for political reasons, in some strange place in my head I feel that in bringing meat back into my diet I am letting down that ideal I had when I was 19. I switched to vegetarianism for two reasons. One was that I didn’t like the taste of meat, and labeling myself as a “vegetarian” was an easy out for not having to eat steak and ham. The other reason is that of the people who I knew who were vegetarians, they all seemed healthier and happier (both physically and emotionally) than a lot of the people I knew who were not. I wanted a piece of that.

Yet, just as when I was diagnosed with asthma about 15 years ago, I know also that this is just the way my body is. If I have to change my eating habits to incorporate more of what I’m not allergic to, that’s just what I have to do in order to live in this body. And I kind of like living in this body! It’s the right height, has a great pair of boobs, and I’ve spent a lot of time decorating the walls. I’m comfy here. So changing my eating habits isn’t letting myself down, it’s merely… using the space more wisely. And if I keep telling myself that, maybe I’ll believe it?

If you’ve skipped over the rest, read this, here’s my point

I’m a picky eater who is allergic to a lot of the things I like to eat, and I need to re-evaluate my eating habits and incorporate some new, more health-conscious recipes into my diet. Thanks for listening to me bitch about it.

Our current dinner menus consist of a frozen packaged shrimp stir-fry with vegetables I like; pizza; pasta; rice; two different types of salad (one kitchen sink salad, one salad with mushrooms, blue cheese, and steak); cheeseburgers; grilled fish; and the occasional restaurant meal of sushi, lobster ravioli (thank gawd I’m not allergic to shellfish), or shrimp & crawfish fondue.

If you have anything that your five-year-old pickytarian child eats by the barrelful, I’d love to hear about it.

I’d like to thank the academy

I’d like to thank my friends Jag and Antony, for their wise restaurant choices and humor while I was visiting them a few weeks ago. I’d like to thank my aunt and uncle, for still being willing to cook me a great meal. I’d like to thank Sharon, for her humor and for teaching me about what steaks and hamburger meats to buy (and how to cook them). I’d like to thank Tim, for putting up with me. I want to cry every time I think about food these days, and you folks make me smile.

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