I look forward to the video of me sipping coffee and picking my nose

So, I got this hilarious email today. I’ll blockquote it, and add my comments in between paragraphs.

Y’all grab a soda while I put out this dumpster fire with a little humor and logic.

Westley Ullman <gwclemencebe@outlook.com>
11:51 AM (2 hours ago)
to haldechick@snarkland.com

Subject: haldechick – 5tdkhb3d

I’m aware, 5tdkhb3d, is your pass word. You don’t know me and you are most likely wondering why you’re getting this e-mail, right?

You’re the only one aware that that’s my pass word (I always thought “password” was one word… but what do I know?); also I’m glad I set that auto-forward on the snarkland email back in 2010 because I have not checked that shit in *years* and this brought a great deal of humor to my day. Anyway. Do go on. I mean, I did have a password very similar to that back in… 2001? 2002? So maybe you are going to say something worthwhile? I mean, probably not. But please. Yes. Go on.

actually, I actually setup a malware on the adult videos (porn material) web site and do you know what, you visited this site to experience fun (you know what I mean). While you were watching video clips, your browser started out operating as a RDP (Remote control Desktop) that has a key logger which provided me access to your screen and also web camera. Just after that, my software gathered all of your contacts from your Messenger, FB, and email.

Yeeeeaaaaaaah…….. Imma call BS right there. First off, videos are not my thing. Even if I were going to partake in some videos (and hey, if you do? You do you, Boo – I am not here to yuck on your yum!) I wouldn’t do it  without some heavy encryption and/or on a TOR network, or I would choose the most reputable of the billions of sites that are out there… but whatever – Internet browsing safety and cleanliness is a lecture for another time!

What did I do?

I don’t know, but I’m *dying* to find out.

I created a double-screen video. First part shows the video you were viewing (you have a good taste ; )), and second part displays the recording of your cam.

Since I’ve had black paper taped over my cam for a number of years, I look forward to seeing one half of your video being … sheer blackness. Or perhaps of my cat sitting on me as I try to reach the keyboard, if the video “you have” goes back a few years. And I can’t wait for you to show me what I was watching, too! This is so exciting. I may plotz. Wait – I think I even have a screenshot of me in front of the computer, hold on….

exactly what should you do?

ooo! ooo! I can guess!……”nothing”?

Well, in my opinion, $2900 is a reasonable price for our little secret. You’ll make the payment via Bitcoin (if you don’t know this, search “how to buy bitcoin” in Google).

BTC Address: 1PkCSHzXWKR4JV8XmhFAo2sbnWrTpwTqWf
(It is cAsE sensitive, so copy and paste it)

I say again….

Important:
You now have one day to make the payment. (I have a special pixel within this e mail, and at this moment I know that you have read this e mail). If I don’t receive the BitCoins, I will send out your video recording to all of your contacts including relatives, coworkers, and so forth. Nevertheless, if I do get paid, I will erase the video immidiately. If you want proof, reply with “Yes!” and I will send out your video to your 15 contacts. It’s a non-negotiable offer, therefore please do not waste my time and yours by responding to this email message.

Knock Knock. Who’s there! Alka! Alka who! Alka-phone!
Ham and eggs – A day’s work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
Yo mama so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.
Poverty is cunning; it catches even a fox. – German Proverb
Unknown~ No good plan survives contact with the enemy.
Peter De Vries~ The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults.
Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running? ! Stick your foot out and trip it up!
Margaret Mitchell~ Until youve lost your reputation you never realize what a burden it was.
Success often comes to those who have the aptitude to see way down the road.
The court of Rome likes not sheep without wool. – Italian Proverb
G. K. Chesterton~ To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it.
Mark Twain~ Drag your thoughts away from your troubles.. by the ears by the heels or any other way you can manage it.
Gambling sire, gambling son. – Portuguese Proverb
Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who’d land first? A: Who cares!
Mere words do not feed the friars. – Irish Proverb
No radio. Already stolen.
Which is Worse? Screwing an intern or screwing the country.
Johann von Goethe~ First and last what is demanded of genius is love of truth.
The worst bankruptcy in the world is the person who has lost his enthusiasm. -H. W. Arnold
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts~ I wish I had a kryptonite cross because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
Grace Hansen~ Dont be afraid your life will end be afraid that it will never begin.
Bonnie Prudden~ You cant turn back the clock. But you can wind it up again.
One man may steal a horse while another may not look over the hedge. – German Proverb
Earvin Johnson~ I like bubbles and the whole thing. Thats the fun of taking a bath. (on his new Magics Elixir Bubble Bath)
Which burgers can tell your fortune? Medium burgers!
A cat is nobody’s fool.
Alfred Adler~ If you dont know where youre going youll end up somewhere else.
We can’t always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future. (Franklin D. Roosevelt)
Do, or do not. There is no try.
What happens when two cats want the same dish of food? They get into a phsssssst fight.
Franklin D. Roosevelt~ When you get to the end of your rope tie a knot and hang on.
Methods are many,Principles are few.Methods change often,Principles never do.
Abbe Dimnet~ Children have to be educated but they have also to be left to educate themselves.
An angry person is seldom reasonable; a reasonable person is seldom angry.
Abraham Lincoln~ You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.
Science is simply common sense at its best – that is, rigidly accurate in observation, and merciless to fallacy in logic. – Thomas Huxley

Yes, the “hacker” even put all that garbage in at the end; horrible quotes and all.

OK. So. Where do I even start with this?

A quick Google search confirmed what I thought, which is that this is spam, and it’s spam that’s been going around for about a year or so at this point – with the grammar and punctuation getting somewhat better as it travels.

So I thought I’d write a little blog post about it. I can see where some people would read this email and flip right out, Googling “how to bitcoin” rather than Googling some key phrases in the email to see if anyone else had written about the scam… or even searching the name and/or email of the sender to see if you could find anything. I am not that person.

And neither are you, if you’re reading this in the far future, months from now, after Googling!

How did I assume this was spam?
1. My camera has been taped over with black paper… for years. Even if it wasn’t, the most exciting thing you’d get is counting how many sips it takes me to drink a cup of coffee, whether or not I pick my nose, and how often the cat sits between me and the keyboard, making it hard to type.
2. I don’t watch videos – really, any kind of videos. Y’all have heard me complain about our crazy low data cap with this satellite internet! I’m watching Babylon 5 in the mornings with some friends and I max out at four videos a week and I have to watch them in the “off” hours before 8 AM. I can barely function enough to pour the coffee that early in the morning! Like I could get it together that early in the day to surf porn?
3. Even if I did, I wouldn’t be ashamed of everyone I know finding out. Sure, it would be embarrassing… but the sun would still set tonight and rise again tomorrow morning. I could probably still even be elected president!
4. A *real* hacker would send proof of concept – they’d send a screenshot, or a few seconds of the video, or name the actual name of the website and not some vague “adult site” hint. Nothing in the above email in any way proves to me that they have said video — they don’t even use my name, for crying out loud!
5. As well as not being able to prove they have a video in the first place, they also can’t prove to me that they’d delete it. If you can’t show me you have it, you can’t show me you destroyed it. Even if I *did* believe this and *did* send them money, who’s to say this isn’t just the start of a years-long blackmail battle? Ain’t nobody got time for that. Just release the video and save me months of stress.

This is an awesome scam, though, I must say. $2900 to delete a fake video? If they spend even just an hour a day sending out emails, how many do you think that is? 100 emails an hour? And I bet some people do actually pay without thinking about the lack of logic of this. Even if only one person a week pays them, that’s over $150,000 a year. That’s a lot more than I make, for a lot less work.

Speaking of work, I’ve slacked off taking this email apart long enough, it is time for me to get back to work. Those camper planters ain’t gonna glaze themselves!