Sweet Zombie Jesus, I just wanted a phone that works

So, I get this text message from Verizon yesterday. It says, in a nutshell, that they are no longer going to make or sell the Note 7, power down and turn off your phone, and return it immediately. Here’s a link to a website on how to do that.

Leaving aside the fact that in one breath they told me to power down and don’t use my phone, and in the other breath they gave me a link ON MY PHONE to how to return it…? OK, let’s not leave that aside, that was pretty dumb. But whatever. I know how to read and type, so I looked it up on the computer.

The instructions seemed pretty clear – go to Verizon, look at the phones they offer, figure out which one I want, log onto my account, and switch out my phone. They’ll send me a new one and a box to send the Note 7 back in.

So you know this went really well, right?

Verizon: HERE ARE OUR PHONES.

Me: Well, I want to stay in the Note family, because I like having a stylus for customers to sign with at craft shows, but I also want expandable memory and that’s why, when my Note 3 was dying, I skipped the 5 and went straight to the 7 — the 5 doesn’t have an SD card. I use my phone for work, and I’ve been using it a lot for product photography, so memory is important. Screen size is important too because I use it to communicate with customers and I need to see what they’re writing and easily see if I have typos before I write them back.

Verizon: IT LOOKS LIKE YOU WOULD LIKE A PHONE.

Me: Ugh. Yes. The Note 7 is exactly what I wanted – okay, maybe something a little less explodey. I guess I’ll go with the S7 or the S7 Edge.

Verizon: PERHAPS I COULD INTEREST YOU IN A PHONE.

Me: FINE! I will choose the S7 Edge, it has a mildly better battery than the S7.

Verizon: WOULD YOU ALSO LIKE TO CHANGE YOUR PHONE PLAN?

Me: No, I’m good, just switch out my Note 7 for an S7 Edge. Are you sure it’s easier to do this online? Shouldn’t I be at a store where I can talk to a human?

Verizon: MANY PEOPLE FIND THE WEBSITE EASIER TO DEAL WITH THAN A STORE. STORES CAN HAVE LONG WAITS AND INEXPERIENCED STAFF. YOU ARE NOW ALL SET. CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR THIRD PHONE.

Me: No, what? No, one of those is my husband’s phone, and I’m switching out a phone, not getting a third one.

Verizon: CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR THIRD PHONE.

Me: No, wait, no! I’m exchanging! How can I go back and exchange or upgrade?

Verizon: YOU WOULD LIKE TO UPGRADE YOUR PHONE?

Me: Yes!

Verizon: WHICH PHONE WOULD YOU LIKE TO UPGRADE?

Me: The Note 7.

Verizon: THAT PHONE IS NOT ELIGIBLE FOR UPGRADE. CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR THIRD PHONE.

Me: But you told me to switch out my Note 7! This text message! This landing page!

Verizon: WELCOME TO VERIZON. I SEE YOU HAVE A NOTE 7. YOU SHOULD RETURN THAT AND GET A NEW PHONE.

Me: THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO DO.

Verizon: I SEE YOU ALREADY HAVE A NEW PHONE IN YOUR CART. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A THIRD PHONE? IT IS NOW OUT OF STOCK AND WILL NOT SHIP UNTIL AFTER OCTOBER 15TH.

Me: (deletes S7 from cart) Is it too early to start drinking….?

—–

The moral of the story? Fucked if I know. I just wanted, a couple of months ago, a phone that didn’t randomly turn itself off and reboot a couple of times a day. A phone that I didn’t have to charge twice a day to keep it going. A phone with better memory. And then I just happened to choose a phone that has a random chance of explosion, and Samsung can’t seem to fix it… so now I have to get another new phone. This is ridonkulous and highly irritating and it has made me cranky.