Poop-a-licious

(Originally posted April 6, 2006)

Jack Handy says that he is never more aware then right after he hits his thumb with a hammer. Well… I am never more aware then when my dog is taking a ginormous crap on a busy street.

And why is that? I crap. You crap. Everybody craps. Every single thing that eats on this planet, excretes in one way or another. So why is it that when Bridgett decides to let one out, I stand around looking down the street like, “is somebody who reads my blog driving by right at this very second watching my dog take a dump as big as her head?!” Why is it that my friends husband, when they are both walking their dog, he will walk away when their dog begins the business? “As if,” my friend says, “he didn’t even know me?”

I mean, really; I spend the whole walk up 9th, from 16th to 8th, thinking don’t take a shit here, wait until I turn onto a less-traveled road, are you about to crap, please don’t sniff the ground like that, and if you do, I at least hope it’s solid this time……

And why is this? Do other dog owners go through this? And why do we feel that way? Is it because for us (in most cases) pooping is so private? Is it because I know I’m going to have to pick it up and carry it? Is it because sometimes she shits out a solid rock so big that I suspect she may be pooping not just for herself but for three other dogs as well; and sometimes she squirts out this sort of… poop soup that I don’t know how I’m going to get into the plastic bag?

Speaking of picking up poop, I thought there was some sort of pooper-scooper law here in Gainesville…? I’m trying an internet search now, but I’m still half asleep and thus am not having a lot of luck (besides, I’m rushing through this so I can go walk my dog, and she can take a huge poo as you are all watching me walk down 9th Street <—life imitates blogging!). So I scoop Bridgett’s poop for two reasons. 1) I thought I had to and 2) since she usually takes a dump the size of a 1967 Chevelle, it’s the polite thing to do. Nothing like leaving a car-sized pile of shit in a neighbors yard, to help those relations along! “Hi, new neighbor; welcome to the neighborhood! I made you this lovely gift myself!”

And with the exception of the “Go Gators” guy I see in the morning walking his crusty-nosed Dalmatian, I think I may be one of the few people who does collect the poo. Because there’s usually two or three times on my walk where Bridgett has to stop and excitedly sniff someone else’s waste. Sometimes it’s somewhat fresh, but most times you can tell it’s been there for a day or so. It’s usually small… is there something about small dog poop exception in the law that I can’t find? Do small dog owners not realize their dog is poo-ing? Or, unlike with my dog, do they figure it’s so tiny that there’s no chance of someone stepping in it and falling up to their neck in the Golgothan shit monster…?

Okay. Enough of this crap. I need to go walk my dog.

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